When they first began to overwhelm me, first made me feel things I couldn’t see, or when I heard their voices or other sounds I associated with them (like swarms of bees, in the case of Apollon), that was about the time I started wondering if gods were really real.
And when they started manipulating lights and other electronic devices in response to my exasperation, or when they sent specific physical signs that could never be mistaken for coincidence, I knew they were real. Doubt, however, would invariably creep back in, and I would revert back to skeptical wondering after those uncanny events had passed, and after I’d had some time to readjust to the world as I normally perceived it.
I had been alternating between this wondering and knowing for a couple of years, because let’s face it, really accepting the gods as actual entities with Will and desire of their own, would mean that I’d have to accept all of the overwhelming power they held over my life, and my choices. If I was pondering their existence, then I was most likely looking to cultivate a relationship with at least one of them, thus opening myself up even more to being influenced (or controlled outright) in my choices by said deity.
It wasn’t easy for me to accept that Apollon was real, and not just wishful thinking on my part. (I had the same difficulty with Dionysos, but to a lesser extent, and I don’t know why, but I’ve never had an issue with accepting the goddesses.) He had to turn my life totally upside-down, inside-out, and send long-standing patterns of negative behavior hurtling toward the abyss. He changed everything, and he had to, because if he hadn’t I might still be wondering.
So, what is it like, now? Now, that the wondering has passed comfortably into a genuine knowing? I’ve noticed that the gods come around a lot more often than I ever would have suspected before. Sometimes, it is a subtle feeling of love, warm and comforting. Other times, it’s like an earthquake beneath my feet, and I can’t stand to do anything but praise them, or sing, or weep with joy. Perhaps it is because I can now recognize them and their messages more clearly than I used to. Being more open to them, I think, has made all the difference in that respect. It has also been a slight nuisance, as the gods I deal with most often tend to be a tricky lot, at least occasionally.
And, since the acceptance phase seems to be over for me, now I mostly find myself wondering just what they’ll do next. Is it going to be some tripped-out dream? Like the time Apollon stalked me through the desert, while gliding through the sandy air on Pegasus’ back? Or perhaps it’ll be more like those excruciatingly pleasurable pin-prick sensations my Lord likes to bombard my nerve-endings with, often at the most inopportune (for me) times.
But, that is the reality of Apollon, and thus, I must accept all of the inconvenience that comes with being his. But really, it’s not all that inconvenient, considering there really isn’t much else I’d rather do than entertain my Lord, in whatever way he finds most pleasing.