Once Again…

It’s happening.  My tri-monthly bout of depression has arrived.  I should have seen this coming with all the ranting I’ve been doing on this blog lately.  But, I didn’t, since I’d been so pleased with how the year seemed to be headed. Of course, my life never really takes the turns I expect, and even if I had anticipated this, it is likely that I’d have been thrown for a loop, anyway.

Today, I find myself, and by extension, my family, in dire financial straits, even despite the work I’ve been doing.  It just isn’t enough.  I’m just a housewife, after all, and maybe that’s all I’m really suited for.  What exactly should I have been expecting?  I thought I’d be able to turn the tables on our money problems.  Me, of all people.  Yeah, right.  I’m only good at three things, and I pretty much hate them all.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  Maybe I’m just feeling lonely and unappreciated, which is probably more likely.  When I get this way, I often think that maybe I should pray to the gods for some kind of understanding.  But I don’t like to bother them with the trivial minutia of my psychological well-being.  It’s my mind, and if I can’t get my own mental house in order, what makes me think the gods are going to help?  What makes me think they want to?

I just hate asking them for stuff.  When I come to them, I want it to be out of love and respect.  I want it to be about giving back to them for the things they’ve already provided, and for just being the gods.  But now I’m at a loss. I don’t know what I should do.

At least I’ve got this blog.  I can let out the things I’m feeling, whether they be joyous or frustrating.  Before I started writing here, I didn’t have any outlet for my feelings.  Of course, it would be even better if there were someone close to me who understood what I’m going through, religiously speaking.  I could talk to my sister, I suppose, but that conversation would eventually get hung up on which deity I’d need to pray to, if you know what I mean.  She loves me and she means well, but she’s a Christian, and I can’t expect her to refrain for witnessing all the time.

Oh, well.  This too shall pass, as it always does.  I still don’t know what I’m going to do about the money situation, but at the very least, I can look forward to February, when my Lord Apollon returns from Hyperborea.  I’ll be celebrating his birth soon, and with great fervor this year, as I’ve planned to for a while.  Perhaps by then I’ll have a clearer picture of what’s ahead. And I’ll wait until then to do any more divination.  Now wouldn’t be such a great time to look into the unknown, I think.  Not when I’m feeling like this. Although, writing this out here has actually helped me to feel a little better.

I wasn’t even sure if I was going to post this when I began.  It’s a little more personal than even I’m comfortable with sharing.  However, I think a major part of writing this blog, has been the challenge of staying honest. Of not trying so hard to hide the depths of my emotions.  And now, as I come toward the end of this post, I realize that that one thing may be the ultimate lesson here for me.

Perhaps it is through my emotions that I speak to the gods most clearly. Perhaps words aren’t even necessary.  Which of course, leaves me with so much more to ponder about staying in touch with my feelings, as well as seeking assistance from the gods…

~

Also, to whomever read this, sorry for the drama, but thanks for taking the time to acknowledge my life’s little struggles, minor though they may be. I appreciate it.  :)

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10 responses to “Once Again…

  1. I know this going to sound so messed up, but I am super glad I’m not the only one experiencing something like this right now. In this past week life has gone from zero to shit in 20 seconds. But you’re right! Just hang in there. As bad as things are they will get better. I can offer you hugs and prayers.

    • Thanks so much, and the same to you! That’s why I love this blogging community. We really are able to come together and offer support to one another during tough times. Sometimes, just knowing that there is someone else who can relate to your struggle, is enough to help push you through.

  2. I’ve been working in emergency services for too long to not realize this very important truth: if it means a lot to one person, then it means a lot. Period. I’m used to seeing people on their worst days, so this isn’t drama by my lights ;)

    Get it out however you need to, hon. I really and sincerely hope that it gets better soon.

    • Thank you so much for your supportive words. I don’t get a lot of such kindness, so it means a lot to me that you would be so encouraging. I really mean that.

  3. I understand all too well what that can be like. I have had moments in the past where I would sink into misery about things I can’t control, and of course we are aware that half of the problem is in our heads. But I don’t consider trivial to pray for a little help. The thing that I had found that worked for me was purification of the self, and I was never above asking Apollon bring back the balance of my emotional and mental state. Sometimes this means a bit of catharsis to get it out of your system (like disinfecting a wound) so that you can be back on your way to equilibrium. The best thing, so it seems, is to reinforce the positive things and destroy the negative things…this includes thoughts about yourself. Nothing makes depression sink in faster from my experience than reinforcing a negative view of yourself. The fact that times are hard for everyone doesn’t diminish your worth as a person or your familial role. Different things of course work for different people. I do hope that you are feeling more like yourself soon.

    • Thank you, Lykeia. I will take your suggestions to heart, especially that of purification. I could really use some of that right now. And I also think Lord Apollon was already aware of my depression, since last night after I broke down into tears, he came to me unbidden and soothed me to sleep. His warmth and comfort will remain with me for as long as I live, and I’ll never forget how fortunate I am to be loved by such an amazing god. I know I’ll be alright. This is just another bump in the road.

      • *hugs*

        Just a thought: if there are gods that care for you (or for whom you work, or both) then they’ll want you to be happy. All beings who care for you would be happy with you asking for help, regardless of their species/corporeality/status… as evidenced by His comforting of you.

        You’re not alone, you’re very brave to bare your heart and its good that you can be aware and ask questions rather than just slipping into the dark.

        Best wishes for health and happiness coming your way.

      • Thank you, Halo. I know I’m not alone. I just have to remember that when life gets hard to deal with. But, I don’t know if it’s bravery or desperation that lets me bare my heart here. But whatever it is, it’s a good thing, and I’ll continue to embrace it. Thanks again for the hugs!

  4. This has just been a really bad month for some reason; I only know a few people who haven’t broken down in tears so far. (All for the same reasons: financial woes and fear of the future.) And while I have never had to battle with real long-lasting depression, I know all-too-well that feeling of not wanting to bother anyone with your problems, including the gods. I have lost count of the number of times I have thought, “Why would they care?” But, the answer really does seem to be, they DO care about us and they don’t want us to suffer.

    I know when I broke down because I feel like my future is a huge question mark and became overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do before graduating… I reached out and did a divination asking if I was a weak person for breaking down like this. The answer I got back was a resounding, “NO WAY.” When I asked what I needed to remember, I was told to remember that I’m never alone. And it’s true. We who walk this path are never alone.

    In the terror of the darkness of night, saying the sun *will* rise seems foolish and unhelpful – but it is still the truth.

    • Yes, you are right. The sun will rise, and I’ll feel a lot better soon. I know the gods do care about us mortals, it’ll just take some time for me to get over the notion that I must go it alone. I’ve been on my own in this regard for so long that it has become a bad habit. Also, I wanted to say good luck in preparing for your graduation :)