It’s happening. My tri-monthly bout of depression has arrived. I should have seen this coming with all the ranting I’ve been doing on this blog lately. But, I didn’t, since I’d been so pleased with how the year seemed to be headed. Of course, my life never really takes the turns I expect, and even if I had anticipated this, it is likely that I’d have been thrown for a loop, anyway.
Today, I find myself, and by extension, my family, in dire financial straits, even despite the work I’ve been doing. It just isn’t enough. I’m just a housewife, after all, and maybe that’s all I’m really suited for. What exactly should I have been expecting? I thought I’d be able to turn the tables on our money problems. Me, of all people. Yeah, right. I’m only good at three things, and I pretty much hate them all.
Maybe I’m just being dramatic. It wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe I’m just feeling lonely and unappreciated, which is probably more likely. When I get this way, I often think that maybe I should pray to the gods for some kind of understanding. But I don’t like to bother them with the trivial minutia of my psychological well-being. It’s my mind, and if I can’t get my own mental house in order, what makes me think the gods are going to help? What makes me think they want to?
I just hate asking them for stuff. When I come to them, I want it to be out of love and respect. I want it to be about giving back to them for the things they’ve already provided, and for just being the gods. But now I’m at a loss. I don’t know what I should do.
At least I’ve got this blog. I can let out the things I’m feeling, whether they be joyous or frustrating. Before I started writing here, I didn’t have any outlet for my feelings. Of course, it would be even better if there were someone close to me who understood what I’m going through, religiously speaking. I could talk to my sister, I suppose, but that conversation would eventually get hung up on which deity I’d need to pray to, if you know what I mean. She loves me and she means well, but she’s a Christian, and I can’t expect her to refrain for witnessing all the time.
Oh, well. This too shall pass, as it always does. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about the money situation, but at the very least, I can look forward to February, when my Lord Apollon returns from Hyperborea. I’ll be celebrating his birth soon, and with great fervor this year, as I’ve planned to for a while. Perhaps by then I’ll have a clearer picture of what’s ahead. And I’ll wait until then to do any more divination. Now wouldn’t be such a great time to look into the unknown, I think. Not when I’m feeling like this. Although, writing this out here has actually helped me to feel a little better.
I wasn’t even sure if I was going to post this when I began. It’s a little more personal than even I’m comfortable with sharing. However, I think a major part of writing this blog, has been the challenge of staying honest. Of not trying so hard to hide the depths of my emotions. And now, as I come toward the end of this post, I realize that that one thing may be the ultimate lesson here for me.
Perhaps it is through my emotions that I speak to the gods most clearly. Perhaps words aren’t even necessary. Which of course, leaves me with so much more to ponder about staying in touch with my feelings, as well as seeking assistance from the gods…
Also, to whomever read this, sorry for the drama, but thanks for taking the time to acknowledge my life’s little struggles, minor though they may be. I appreciate it. :)