A silly question, I know, because “normal” varies from person to person. So, what I mean is, why couldn’t I have been born to be one of those blissfully ignorant people who knows and experiences nothing of the Other worlds, or of the Beings who inhabit those worlds, as well as our own? If I were born “normal” I wouldn’t feel like I’m letting down all the spirits who’ve embraced me on this Path. I wouldn’t feel like a failed experiment.
The gods know I’ve tried. Tried to be what they want, and to do as they bid. But how does one woman among a sea of opposition actually close the gap between modern human sensibilities, and the very real needs of the spirit community which co-exists with us? How can I give all (the time/energy) that should be given, and still have enough left to give to my human family? What of myself? Am I to give, give, give, and to serve, serve, serve, without any hope of support or compensation? Why is it that I can’t stop doing this Work? Why do I feel like I’m going to die if I try to stop?
I feel like I’m lost in the twilight. I can see both the night and the day. I can touch both, I can straddle the line, I can be a bridge across those worlds… but I can’t just live in one or the other, like a “normal” human being.
How do gods choose the people who will serve them? Why me? I’m not special. Not even a little bit. I’m not even half as talented as some of the other witches I’ve known. The calling seems so random, and despite what I’ve been told by my gods, I do not feel at all qualified for this Work.
And if that wasn’t enough, Apollon has made clear that, eventually, I am to serve a community of humans. To which I said, not a chance. I didn’t name this blog “Queen Without a Court” for nothing. Serving humans is far more emotionally draining than serving spirits, from my experience. And, as emotionally unsound as I tend to be, I doubt I could handle such a task. Yet, my mind is continually filled with images and ideas of what such service might consist of. What shrines might be built, what rites might be performed for the benefit of humans…
The gods make me crazy, I swear. Maybe that is what they ultimately want? For me to go mad and drop out of society, out of the world of humans, so that I may be better equipped to serve them? There would be less distractions that way, but support, at least part of the time, would be a must.
It would also be an impossibility. And so, I’m back to square one. If I am unable to properly fulfill the calling, why was I called to begin with?
I know asking a god why is an exercise in futility. They do what they do, often for reasons unfathomable. But I can’t help wanting answers to these questions. Maybe someday I’ll figure it all out. But today is certainly not that day.