Why Wasn’t I Born “Normal”?

A silly question, I know, because “normal” varies from person to person.  So, what I mean is, why couldn’t I have been born to be one of those blissfully ignorant people who knows and experiences nothing of the Other worlds, or of the Beings who inhabit those worlds, as well as our own?  If I were born “normal” I wouldn’t feel like I’m letting down all the spirits who’ve embraced me on this Path.  I wouldn’t feel like a failed experiment.

The gods know I’ve tried.  Tried to be what they want, and to do as they bid. But how does one woman among a sea of opposition actually close the gap between modern human sensibilities, and the very real needs of the spirit community which co-exists with us?  How can I give all (the time/energy) that should be given, and still have enough left to give to my human family? What of myself?  Am I to give, give, give, and to serve, serve, serve, without any hope of support or compensation?  Why is it that I can’t stop doing this Work? Why do I feel like I’m going to die if I try to stop?

I feel like I’m lost in the twilight.  I can see both the night and the day.  I can touch both, I can straddle the line, I can be a bridge across those worlds… but I can’t just live in one or the other, like a “normal” human being.

How do gods choose the people who will serve them?  Why me?  I’m not special. Not even a little bit.  I’m not even half as talented as some of the other witches I’ve known.  The calling seems so random, and despite what I’ve been told by my gods, I do not feel at all qualified for this Work.

And if that wasn’t enough, Apollon has made clear that, eventually, I am to serve a community of humans.  To which I said, not a chance.  I didn’t name this blog “Queen Without a Court” for nothing.  Serving humans is far more emotionally draining than serving spirits, from my experience.  And, as emotionally unsound as I tend to be, I doubt I could handle such a task.  Yet, my mind is continually filled with images and ideas of what such service might consist of.  What shrines might be built, what rites might be performed for the benefit of humans…

The gods make me crazy, I swear.  Maybe that is what they ultimately want? For me to go mad and drop out of society, out of the world of humans, so that I may be better equipped to serve them?  There would be less distractions that way, but support, at least part of the time, would be a must.

It would also be an impossibility.  And so, I’m back to square one.  If I am unable to properly fulfill the calling, why was I called to begin with?

I know asking a god why is an exercise in futility. They do what they do, often for reasons unfathomable. But I can’t help wanting answers to these questions. Maybe someday I’ll figure it all out. But today is certainly not that day.

Advertisements

5 responses to “Why Wasn’t I Born “Normal”?

  1. http://lokisbruid.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/still-dont-get-it/ I am posting this just so you can see that you’re not the only one who struggles with the “why me?!?” of it all. I was a very lapsed Pagan and borderline agnostic regarding the nature of the Gods when Loki claimed me.

    And even after I could accept that He was real and I was not losing my mind, I still struggled with the notion of being worthy to be His wife. What about me could possibly be holy enough to be a Godwife?

    Loki, of course, clarified. “Do you serve me in fear?”

    He knows I don’t – fear is not a good motivator for me. “I do my duties, but to me duty is love in action.”

    “Love is what makes you holy. Love is why I brought you here.”

    “That is some hippie sh*t there, my Viking Sex God.”

    He just smiled. He knows I crack jokes when my head’s exploding.

    However, now that I’ve had time to think about that, and I still mull it over from time to time, it makes sense. He was my Muse, and I love Him, no matter what form He takes. I don’t think I could serve without that love. Given that we have some things in common in our Divine relationships, it might be much the same with you.

  2. “Serving humans is far more emotionally draining than serving spirits” Why is that do you think?

    • I think that for me that is the case because humans are physically here in the world with me, draining my energy and my patience. Spirits generally leave me alone if I don’t want to be bothered, mostly because they have to go through my spirit entourage, or Apollon, to get to me if they want or need something. Of course, you have to keep in mind that this post was written years ago, back when I was having a much more difficult time reigning in my emotions. I’m better at all of this stuff now.

  3. Have you found out what he meant by service? This blog is a service imo, it’s awesome. I just love it.

    • Thank you so much. :) I do think this blog is a service to the community, for those who find it informative. There are people who don’t feel that way, but they are not a part of my community. But, that said, what He was really talking about has not yet come to pass. On the day that I have built a working group in my physical location will be the day that His words ring with the most truth.