So, hopefully this will be the last of such incredibly personal posts concerning my divine relationships. But, since you have all been patient with me (or perhaps just laughing quietly to yourselves) as I flailed around in confusion, I thought you deserved one more update before my wellspring of Apollonian inspiration starts to really flow again.
After much prayer and soul-searching, and after many conversations with my household gods, I’ve come to the realization that my duty to Apollon is very real, and is a valuable asset and motivator for both himself and I. This relationship is not one which can simply be walked away from, by either of us. But most importantly, neither of us wants to walk away.
I will readily admit to feeling terror at the thought of abandonment by my Beloved god. I genuinely thought that he might feel disgusted by me, because of my obvious weakness for, and attraction to the Norse Trickster. But, you know what? From the very beginning, Apollon expressed a total confidence in me that I believed was not only unrealistic, but unwarranted.
I’ve only been devoted to Apollon for a couple of years, even though he has been a constant in my life since before I can remember. Before the Prince swooped down and staked his claim, I was frolicking happily with Dionysos. I mean, I have to be honest about what happened. Apollon literally snatched me from the arms of the first male deity I ever trusted. Wtf was that? And I was just barely starting to overcome the *god-fear that is so prevalent within the goddess-centered religion I practiced at the time. I have sometimes wondered, ‘What if I made a mistake?’ or ‘What if we moved too fast?’
Apollon had no compassion in that situation. For him, it seemed I was ready enough, and thanks to Dionysos’ work with me up to that point, I was able to recognize Apollon for who he really was… and to see which parts of myself were reflections of his divine will.
Every major event in my life has been shared with my Lord Apollon, and here is a prime example. I gave my physical virginity away to the god while he had surreptitiously hijacked the body of my then-boyfriend, as he was wont to do, occasionally. There are also the events surrounding my birth, and a hundred other smaller, yet no less significant experiences that have been shared between us over the years.
Years. Gods, when I say the word aloud it gives me chills, because so much time was spent with my Lord during that period of many years, but with a complete lack of recognition on my part. But, Apollon already had a plan by then (requiring zero recognition from me, I might add), which he was actively working toward. It is his careful shaping of my life for his purposes that sustains the core of my duty to him. He chose me, for whatever reason and by whatever method he uses to choose his devotees. Even if I momentarily entertained the idea of walking away… then, now, or in the future, I could never (for long, anyway) ignore the calling of my Beloved god.
My Prince chose to trust me, and to shape/order my life according to his will, and the wisdom of Zeus. Such a beautiful and generous gift will not go unrecognized, or unappreciated by the likes of me. Besides, there is a time and a place for everything, and consistent divination tells me that waiting (and being patient) will give me what I want in the end. And what is it that I want in the end, you ask? Well, dear reader, the answer to that question is between myself and the gods. ;)
*I’m not saying it’s the fault of Wicca that so many Wiccans seem to go through a “godless” or “goddess only” phase. That seems more likely to be a holdover from the Christian trauma of their pasts, as it was with me. Though that, too, may not be the case for each individual.