For Love of Duty

So, hopefully this will be the last of such incredibly personal posts concerning my divine relationships.  But, since you have all been patient with me (or perhaps just laughing quietly to yourselves) as I flailed around in confusion, I thought you deserved one more update before my wellspring of Apollonian inspiration starts to really flow again.

After much prayer and soul-searching, and after many conversations with my household gods, I’ve come to the realization that my duty to Apollon is very real, and is a valuable asset and motivator for both himself and I.  This relationship is not one which can simply be walked away from, by either of us. But most importantly, neither of us wants to walk away.

I will readily admit to feeling terror at the thought of abandonment by my Beloved god.  I genuinely thought that he might feel disgusted by me, because of my obvious weakness for, and attraction to the Norse Trickster. But, you know what?  From the very beginning, Apollon expressed a total confidence in me that I believed was not only unrealistic, but unwarranted.

I’ve only been devoted to Apollon for a couple of years, even though he has been a constant in my life since before I can remember.  Before the Prince swooped down and staked his claim, I was frolicking happily with Dionysos. I mean, I have to be honest about what happened.  Apollon literally snatched me from the arms of the first male deity I ever trusted.  Wtf was that?  And I was just barely starting to overcome the *god-fear that is so prevalent within the goddess-centered religion I practiced at the time.  I have sometimes wondered, ‘What if I made a mistake?’ or ‘What if we moved too fast?’

Apollon had no compassion in that situation.  For him, it seemed I was ready enough, and thanks to Dionysos’ work with me up to that point, I was able to recognize Apollon for who he really was… and to see which parts of myself were reflections of his divine will.

Every major event in my life has been shared with my Lord Apollon, and here is a prime example.  I gave my physical virginity away to the god while he had surreptitiously hijacked the body of my then-boyfriend, as he was wont to do, occasionally.  There are also the events surrounding my birth, and a hundred other smaller, yet no less significant experiences that have been shared between us over the years.

Years.  Gods, when I say the word aloud it gives me chills, because so much time was spent with my Lord during that period of many years, but with a complete lack of recognition on my part.  But, Apollon already had a plan by then (requiring zero recognition from me, I might add), which he was actively working toward.  It is his careful shaping of my life for his purposes that sustains the core of my duty to him.  He chose me, for whatever reason and by whatever method he uses to choose his devotees.  Even if I momentarily entertained the idea of walking away… then, now, or in the future, I could never (for long, anyway) ignore the calling of my Beloved god.

My Prince chose to trust me, and to shape/order my life according to his will, and the wisdom of Zeus.  Such a beautiful and generous gift will not go unrecognized, or unappreciated by the likes of me.  Besides, there is a time and a place for everything, and consistent divination tells me that waiting (and being patient) will give me what I want in the end.  And what is it that I want in the end, you ask?  Well, dear reader, the answer to that question is between myself and the gods.  ;)

~

*I’m not saying it’s the fault of Wicca that so many Wiccans seem to go through a “godless” or “goddess only” phase.  That seems more likely to be a holdover from the Christian trauma of their pasts, as it was with me. Though that, too, may not be the case for each individual.

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7 responses to “For Love of Duty

  1. Greetings to you. I’ve been “lurking” up in your space for a while now, and if you permit me I’ll slip my tuppence in.

    I’m not a huge fan of Loki. There, I said it – let the knee-jerk begin! But I’ve spent too much time with Lakota people and I can recognise Coyote when I see him. To my mind, just because a deity beckons to you doesn’t mean one has to follow. Especially if said deity seems to be offering something right off the bat. Some of the best advice my mum ever gave me was to never trust the first people who approach you and seem incredibly eager to do so – they’re usually just hunting for fresh meat.

    I’m older now, so I can recognise Coyote, and thank him for his lesson…then send him off or walk away. I don’t HAVE to give Coyote my time. That’s a hard lesson to learn sometimes, but I’ve learned to just nod and make my peace with the Trickster, acknowledge he’s there, but not give him any more of my energy. I have other deities who have demanded that, but I had to work for it. And working for it makes it more worthwhile, IMO; just like those people who were a bit more wary about me and wanted to see what I would do before they approached me. Those were the right friends to have in the end.

    Maybe it will resonate with you, or maybe not. Either way, here are my words, and I am done.

    Ashe!

    • Loki isn’t Coyote. Just sayin’. /hard polytheist

      One of Loki’s heiti is Gift-Giver, and without Him, the Gods’ best weapons would never have come to Asgard.

      For a better appreciate of Trickster Gods in general, I suggest reading Trickster Makes This World, by Lewis Hyde. Link: http://www.amazon.com/Trickster-Makes-This-World-Mischief/dp/0374532559/ Hyde does a great job of discussing Trickster deities and how they contribute to the development of language, and how they create and destroy boundaries in order to keep a balance of power. Coyote, Hermes, Loki, and other tricksters are discussed in more depth than I could hope to go into in a blog comment.

      For those who think that the ancients didn’t care for Loki, I offer up the Loka Tattur (http://www.odins-gift.com/pclass/lokatattur_kiyo.htm), a Faroese ballad that is about a family in peril of losing their son. Odin, Hoenir, and Loki all try to help, but the one who finally saves him is Loki.

      • I know he isn’t – however it’s the best term I can get close enough because honestly I won’t even use the name.

        As I said, I know someone a Lokiean was going to get cross. But I’m also “just sayin’.”

      • It’s not about getting “cross” dreema.
        It’s about having a nuanced view of all deities, and enough knowledge about them to not have a dualistic black/white view on any of them.

    • Cross? I am very amused that you are likening my God to Voldemort. Don’t say His name!

      Let me clarify, and I am doing this on my own blog only because I know the images won’t embed properly in WP comments: http://lokisbruid.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/not-him/

    • I think I see where you’re coming from, Dreema, however, I personally do not have any real problems with Loki, or with Tricksters in general. He can sometimes be frustrating, but we get on quite well, actually. But I see your point of acknowledging Tricksters without following them into deeper devotional practices every time you get a call from one of them. My situation is unique, though, in that Loki had legitimate reasons for coming into my life. But I have to put someone first, and that someone happens to be Apollon, for various reasons. I do appreciate your input, though, so thank you for commenting :)

      • Most welcome, Columbine. I was pretty sure you’d get what I was saying. Normally it’s not something I would comment on because everyone’s journey is one they have to do, but for whatever reason I got the nudge in the back of my head and put it out there. Ashe, one foot in front of the other!