I’m in a foul fucking mood, so there ya go. Yes, Queens curse, too. We’re only human, and try as I might to keep a totally refined air about me, and to be aloof in regards to useless emotional baggage, there are some instances wherein I can not disengage. This is one of them. Granted, I’ve tried, but once I feel myself being triggered, it’s really too late.
So, yeah, I wish Del’s post about the Loki wives had had a trigger warning. I mean, I get that it wasn’t aimed at me, per se, as a cisgendered hetero ultra femme, but seeing as that is precisely how I identify myself in both my religious and mundane lives, it really did feel like he was taking a dig at cisgendered hetero ultra femmes, under the more blatant dig at verbal new Loki wives in particular. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to such things, but how can I about this?
To give you a little bit of my backstory, I’ve lived for the last eight or so years within a den of patriarchy and male privelege. Within this framework, I am literally only seen as an extension of my male spouse. True fax. (Yeah, and for those who would say “Just leave!”– I’ve tried. Four times, and each was stopped by means that couldn’t rightly be called coincidence.) So, basically I get told on the daily how inferior I am, how I need to shut up, how unimportant my problems are, etc, etc. And yet I find solace in spiritwork, because it is, I’ve found, the only area within which I feel valued. Or felt, rather. As opposed to having someone tell me that “All religion is psychosis”, and that what I do for my Gods and spirits holds no value (not least of all due to questions like: “Why would a god want a *woman* to serve him?”) I felt like there was a place here for me, and those like me, to share those deep and spiritual parts of ourselves, without someone telling us how we squee too much, and how our language focuses so obtrusively on the feminine. Whether or not that was Del’s intent, that is what I walked away with after reading the piece, and the subsequent comments.
Maybe I’m too sensitive. All of this is my baggage, after all… except… over-sensitivity is one of those vague diagnoses lobbed against women when we start getting ‘uppity’. So, no. I’m not gonna accept over-sensitivity as a valid explanation.
The truth is, the post was triggering. Not a lot of people are examining what about it might be triggering for any cisgendered hetero femmes who might have read it, but I know I’m not the only one who was. And by that token, I can’t have been the only one who was brought to tears and/or felt physically ill while reading it. I might be the only one with the cajones to call it out, though.
Sexism is never nice, even when it is completely unintentional, as I believe it was, in this case. But lack of intent doesn’t make it right, and it certainly doesn’t make it go away. It also does nothing to mitigate the damage that was done to a segment of the population that, sadly, is so conditioned by these sorts of things that most will never speak truth to their feelings. But, as an Apollonian, I am also a Truth-teller, and this is a part of my truth in the experience of cisgenderedness. It is a truth shared among many, and indeed, a truth that will probably be fervently denied, as it always is. But, again, denial of a thing does not negate a thing.
And there’s my story. Take it however you will.