Living the Pain

Yesterday was a very intriguing day.  I think I’ve finally managed to pack up the depression that’s been lingering for the last few weeks.  It’s been ups and downs for me throughout July.  And even as more opportunities are thrust my way, I find my social life in shambles.  But then, I was never supposed to have a social life to begin with.

Attachments.  Apollon hates them.  Or rather, He hates for me to have them. So, now I don’t have any anymore, outside of what He deems appropriate. It’ll be an interesting puzzle, once put back together.  There are so many missing pieces now, it won’t even be the same image.  And rightly so.

Also, since July is nearing its end, Loki started asking for His payment.  Like last year, He threw out a few suggestions, most of which were not possible for me to implement, but in the end, did finally suggest something I could do.  The catch being that it was not entirely for Him.

You see, I’m under a lot of restrictions when it comes to Working with Gods outside the Pantheon, but for some reason, Goddesses don’t raise Apollon’s hackles like other Gods do.  So, I decided to hold the bowl for Sigyn yesterday morning.  And I did.  And it was in every way, equally unpleasant and thought-provoking.

I’d never done it before, since I fall squarely into the Hellenic camp.  Even though I’ve a history of Working with Loki, I’d never had the honor of meeting Sigyn before yesterday (I’m not counting the brief encounter I had with Her once, since introductions weren’t actually on Her agenda then). Not saying that I know Her, or anything, but She certainly cleared up a few of my questions about sacrifice.  Some questions I didn’t even realize I’d been asking.

Oh, and the smugness of Apollon as He presided over my offering to Them… Seriously, He was so happy.  And I, worrisome as I am, was convinced that He would be upset.  I can laugh now, but if you’d seen the look on His face when Loki brought up His first few suggestions, you’d understand why I thought my Prince would be mad.  He keeps surprising me with His reactions.

All told, I held the bowl for about twelve and a half minutes, while listening to Paganini.  I was surprised with how easy it was to enter into that resolved state which allowed me to successfully complete the task.  Maybe four minutes in, it started to become difficult, and after six minutes, I was really wishing I could just let my arms down for “a few seconds”.  I held fast, but it wasn’t easy.

Not long after that, my mind finally trailed off into the act, no longer fighting the pain, but living in it and taking it in.  I began to think of Loki, and the amount of gratitude He had/has for Sigyn, because She was there for Him then.  And I thought of the love She holds in Her heart for Him, and then I started to feel a little teary, even if I couldn’t actually shed tears at the time. The harder it became to hold the bowl, the more resolved I was to continue, to give the offering, for whatever it might be worth to Them.

Eight minutes in maybe, my mind drifted off again, this time toward Apollon, as He watched from above.  He was calm, and so very sure of Himself, and sure of me.  I am not going to attempt to describe the feeling of His Love in words, which are so inadequate.

When that brief moment passed, I was returned to the pain, and the ordeal shared by Loki and His Wife, with the thought of: “Have I sacrificed enough for Apollon?”

My answer being, “No.  Of course not.  There can never be enough sacrifice for my Lord.  I can never give enough to Him to prove that I deserve His Love, or His affection.  I will never have enough to give, because what do I give to one Who already has everything, including my heart?”

He said nothing.  It must have been the look in His eyes which convinced me, though, because I suddenly felt that I no longer needed to prove anything. After the breakthrough of a few days ago, and after the words were spoken and the truth was told, the way was set into motion.  With the hindrances removed, all that’s left now are distractions.  So, my next sacrifice will be to purge my life of these distractions.

Ten minutes into the offering, my arms were burning for relief, and I had a very human thought, in that I was glad that when it was over, I would not have to return to the cave to do it all again, and again, and again.  It was a fleetingly naughty thought, and I felt very contrite for having entertained it.

Soon, I began to wonder, “If it were Apollon, could I, would I be there for Him? And I was reminded of the past.  I have been there for Him, and I will always be there for Him.  I fear my Lord, yes, but I do not fear that He is Himself.  He has taken me as I am, and so I take Him as He is, imperfections and all.  And, the thought of Him in pain, any kind of pain, makes my stomach ache.

So, as I held the bowl for the eleventh minute, Sigyn reminded me that there will always be obstacles, and pain and hard times for both of us, when I felt a few small stings on my hands and forearms.  There was only water in my bowl, but at that moment it was More than water.  Then, a thought that was mine, and yet also not mine, came into my head and heart…

“If I feel this pain, He will not feel it.  Whatever I can feel for Him, I’ll do it gladly, so that He may not.”

I took a deep breath then, exhaling slowly for the last twenty or so seconds of music.  I lowered my arms, hurrying out back to pour out the water, and as I did, it splashed back upon my feet.  Sigyn then explained to me, that no matter what kindness I provide, or what responsibilities I take up, there could (and probably will) always be a splash-back, or some other undefined reaction. Yet, must we endure, those who are called wife.

When I returned to sit in front of Their lit candles, Loki and Sigyn were so serene together.  I meditated with Them for about ten to fifteen more minutes, but had to give my farewells afterward, because Apollon was staring really intensely, which was mightily distracting.

So, I have a lot to ponder, and a lot to take in.  This post was my thank you to Sigyn, and also a part of Loki’s payment for July.  Hail Loki, and hail His Victorious Wife!

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