My Choice, My Struggle…

Sometimes I think I give the false impression that I agree with (and agree to), everything Apollon demands.  While I usually end up doing what He wants, I don’t want people to think I never struggle.  In fact, He and I have been having kind of an argument over the last few weeks.  It’s about two particular Maxims, and we’ve had this argument plenty of times before.

Can you guess which Maxims I’m talking about?  Oh, I bet you can…

Maxims #9, and #95:  ‘Intend to get married’, and ‘Rule your wife’.  We’ll start with ‘Rule your wife’.

First, I don’t necessarily have anything against #95, as I do live by fairly traditional standards in my home.  However, my problem is that my mortal husband is not Hellenic, doesn’t want to understand his role in the home, rejects his spiritual responsibilities and tries to lord over me in ways that discourage proper practice of the religion.  That pisses me off, so I decided not to be ‘ruled’ by any such man.

I’ve even gone so far as to shun the Maxim itself.  Unfortunately, Apollon isn’t having any of my nonsense, in so far as I am still expected to be a dutiful wife. Why?  Because the Maxim says ‘Rule your wife’.  It doesn’t say ‘Rule your wife only if you are both Hellenic’, or ‘Rule your wife only when you’ve got your shit together’.  I like to think of it also as a reminder to myself — not so much that I am subject to my husband — but that I’d better make sure he keeps his end of the marriage bargain.

It is akin to something Apollon tells me in reference to our own relationship. “Fulfillment is a promise,” He says.  What I believe He’s saying, is He meant every promise He’s ever made, including our Marriage Vows, and He’ll do whatever is necessary to keep His word.  If that means pushing, pulling and prodding on my spiritual sensibilities to make me uncomfortable, He’ll do it. If that means insisting that I stay in a difficult place, so that I may learn lessons that I’ll not learn anywhere else, He’ll do it.  He’ll even plan ahead for a future that I don’t necessarily want any part of.  Which is where we come to the other Maxim that’s been giving me grief…

Maxim #9: ‘Intend to get married’.

I do not.  I do not intend to get married, ever again.  I have no desire for another husband, should I, for whatever reason, find myself without one. Firstly, and most importantly, because I’m committed to the relationship I’m in now.  We wouldn’t have been together over ten years, otherwise. Despite the issues, despite our evolved spiritual incompatibility, I can’t say that Apollon hasn’t influenced the marriage positively.  The fact is, this is Apollon’s home, and anyone living here is subject to His influence.  That includes my mortal husband, even if he won’t acknowledge that Apollon exists as an Independent Entity.

Again, fulfillment in action.  Apollon makes sure my needs are met, even if it’s a bit of an emotional, or mental struggle.  That’s the thing about marriage, whether mortal or Divine.  It’s a challenge.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  It’s also the thing about the path of Apollon.  It’s a challenge.  It’s not for the faint of heart.

This line of thinking usually leads me to surrender, and then to acceptance. I accept that the man I chose isn’t the man Apollon would have chosen for me. But, I accept my choice because I made it.  Because it was mine to make. Fate, and free will both comprise men’s [men’s, as in humankind — please, don’t go there with me] destiny.

Although, Fate isn’t to be discounted, and Apollon obviously has other plans.  I only ask that He keep the details to Himself.  I’ve learned, that for myself, knowing everything really doesn’t help.  That never stops Him from asking the occasional probing question, though.  Like this one.

“Philosopher, or soldier?  If you had to choose, which would it be?”

This is the worst question.  I despise this question, because it assumes that I would want either, or conversely, that I would not want both.  You never want to narrow your options, right?  Especially when you’re expected to do something that’s not very desirable in the first place…

So, I avoided answering that question for a long, long time.  Eventually, Apollon changed His approach and reworded it, so as to destroy all chance of me not making a definitive statement.  Basically, He called one of my major spiritual, and even philosophical, affiliations to the forefront.

“Athens, or Sparta?”  It was a trap.

I immediately felt the pressure to blurt the only answer that ever could have come from my mouth.

“Sparta…” I grumbled,  both knowing and unknowing of the consequences.

And that’s how it stands, as of today.  I answered His question, and He’s agreed to leave me alone about it.  I have no idea what He’s planning, and I’d like to keep it that way.  I would prefer to keep some of my integrity, since my personal intent hasn’t changed… but, then again, neither have the Maxims.

Advertisements

8 responses to “My Choice, My Struggle…

  1. Alexis Solvey Viorsdottir

    ahhhh he asks me such things too -.- but they are very different from your questions… they are more like: do you want the white or the black cake? -.-

    If He would ask me if philosopher or soldier… my answer would be easy and clear.

    To your problems with the maximes… maybe that is one of the reasons why I don’t read them… I don’t want to be confronted with this rules… because I know the consequenses… and I would be in the same position with the same problems as you are now.

    keep your head up!

    • Alexis Solvey Viorsdottir

      and yes I know I am a coward. :)

    • Ah, I can totally understand not wanting to be confronted with them, however, just knowing about them will eventually lead you to read them, I think. Eventually. I do hope He doesn’t expect you to follow them, since I know what a struggle the old ways are for you. Yeah, and it is a tough position to be in. A position that you really don’t want.

      But, about His questions…. Don’t you just love His ambiguity? /sarcasm

      • Alexis Solvey Viorsdottir

        Oh yes, I do!! :D :D :D

        But to the rules… perhaps there are others for me… with the same content but other words… He gave me some (only 8 at the moment) and I struggle with them. I know what He want’s from me… but it’s so hard.

        Today I wrote about how difficult it is to bear the responsibility that comes with the duty to work for Him. I mean… well… you… we… represent His house in some kind of way. Only as mortals but nevertheless… uh… I wanna dig a hole and never come out again… I run from Him, you see :D I’m sure you know that situation. If He’ll get me… I have to follow His rules.

      • It’s not a question of if, but when. :P Good luck!

  2. I pick the third choice (there’s always a hidden third choice with Hermes, lol): Troy!

    Hmmm…I wonder what Apollon is up to with you? Whatever it is, Sparta is a good choice :D