No matter how I’ve tried to avoid and prolong the coming of the inevitable, no matter how I clung to the tiny bit of privacy I used to have, I knew eventually that I would be required to relenquish it. One thing my Chosen Ancestress, Queen Elizabeth Tudor, always said was that it wouldn’t last. The time would come when duty to the Court would supercede all other concerns, be they trivial or not. That time has come for me.
I used to be able to occupy an entire room, just myself. I could tell almost anyone to get lost if I wanted to just relax and think, or tinker with a project. I had places of refuge that were only mine. Now, however… although those places are technically still mine, I am no longer permitted to occupy any room or other structure without security (spirits) present. Queen Elizabeth says I’ll get used to it, and maybe I will, but it has always made me uncomfortable having to basically ignore the presence of people around me… people whose job it is to watch me. I feel like I’m treating them like objects. Imagine how they feel.
But then, they never look at me as though I’ve ever treated them badly. I suppose that ought to be the measuring stick I compare to, rather than assumptions to the contrary. It’s difficult, navigating all of the emotions in this Court, not to mention the offices. But I’m so glad to do this Work, because it’s something I’m actually good at. I had to learn that too, that there was this thing, this Pagan job description, that came as naturally as breathing. But now I know. Now I know where my place is, and it isn’t at all where I thought it was four years ago, and I am so honored to hold this place. I just don’t want to abuse my position, even fleetingly.
These are things Queens worry about, I think, those of us not born fully into the practices we begin to adopt over time. It becomes less of a struggle as time moves forward, but we always have to meet time on it’s march, for it is relentless. When time and circumstance conspire to assist in decision making, such as that made in my Court, do not hesitate, just do what needs to be done. It will likely save you much grief in the long run.
As for myself, I am going to continue to acclamate myself to the new arrangement, while thinking of ways to further preserve the dignity of my subjects, because, as we say around here:
“Everything changes. Nothing is lost.”
Meaning, we do not compromise our values as a Court, even in the face of drastic upheaval. We will persevere, and will be all the stronger for this hardship.