Mini Update

TRIGGER WARNING:  Discussion of Birth Trauma

Hello, dear readers!  I’m just coming around here to offer a small update on my goings on and general whatnot.  There’s no real theme to my life right now, except for maybe trail and error.  You see, many of the things I thought were going to happen, and things I thought I would be able to do, are just not possible for me, and may never be.  The biggest factor in this is my health, which has been quite poorly this year and last, on top of a pregnancy that I am now entering into the final stages of.

For example, recently, I’ve battled another round of depression which has come with thoughts of mild self-harm.  I haven’t acted on any of them, but to know that I have these thoughts is quite troubling for me, especially now. I’ve also been nursing a physical injury that occurred in early December of last year.  It doesn’t seem to be getting much better, even after almost two months of bed-rest and tender care.  I’m not certain what all I can do about it, but I keep hoping it will heal at least enough for the birth.

And then there’s that.  The delivery of the baby, which carries its own brand of anxiety.  I’ve written before about how perilous birth can be, even in these modern times, but what I never said outright was that there’s a real possibility that I may not make it out of the delivery room alive.  Such was the case with the birth of my first child.  The two of us were lucky to survive.  If I’d had to deliver a baby in almost any previous time period, it would have been near certain death, for me and the baby.

These are the things that I have to worry over.  This is my life right now. So, to say that I’ve been reluctant (read: absolutely unwilling) to travel outside of my small, comfortable sphere is really not giving credit where credit is due. But I’ve come to accept facts about what is best for me, and what I really want out of life.  Being so near to the possible death transition tends to do that to a person.

I know that I prefer to be cloistered.  I don’t do socializing, mainly due to my mental and physical health.  I’m becoming more and more okay with this as time passes.  I love writing.  I’ve rediscovered my muse it seems, and have been working on a novel I’d set aside several years ago.  It’s going very well, and I’m not making the same mistake I did the last time with it.  I won’t be giving myself any arbitrary deadlines for finishing it, because they only ever stressed me out to the point of not wanting to write.  Also, I don’t want to think about any kind of deadline, for anything, considering how things may or may not go in hospital.

One other thing that I’ve rediscovered, is my oracular path.  Besides the short, random deliverances I’ve been giving on this blog, I had the opportunity to respond to the needs of few good people directly just a few days ago.  I was truly surprised by how at ease I felt during the ritual. There were no tools, save for myself (and a pencil and paper), and it felt immensely right for me to perform in that way.  For those who remember my old spiritual services, I would mainly utilize the Tarot, or the Alphabet Oracle, though this was not always the case.  I can’t promise I’ll be offering my services again soon, or on this blog specifically, but if and when I do, I’ll likely keep with this new found confidence in my ability to deliver without need of external tools.

Finally, I contributed what energy I could to the collective Working against Boko Haram that occurred last week, with witches and magic-workers from around the world.  I won’t be sharing details of my ritual, because just as in my youth, I know, I dare, I will, and I keep silent.  That’s just how I roll when magic is concerned.  I will say that social justice Work will continue to be a feature in my life and path, and I am not the least bit ashamed.

And… I suppose that really is about it for this mini update.  I hope everybody else is enjoying life and all that it brings.  I know I try to make the most of every day I have on this Earth, and I encourage you all to do the same, whenever possible.  Have a wonderful rest of the week, dear readers!



12 responses to “Mini Update

  1. You’ll be in my thoughts! Wishing the best for you and the baby!

  2. I do appreciate the update. I’m very happy for you and your soon-to-be child, and I wish you both good health. I’m glad to hear that you’re battling successfully, even though I’m also sorry to hear that you have to battle with depression. It sucks.

  3. Jolene Poseidonae

    Prayers with you. (( <3 ))

  4. You’re absolutely lovely, and I’m wishing all the best for you: with the impending birth of your child, with your bouts of depression, with your writing endeavors, and with Apollon. My door is always open if you need to talk. <3

  5. My now 13 year old son’s birth was so traumatic and so very nearly deadly for me that he is my only child, and I am fighting panic in reading and replying to this post. I wish I had more comforting words, but all I can say is that I hear you, and wish you the very best of luck.

    • I’m so sorry my post triggered you. I hadn’t thought to put a trigger warning on it at all, and I’m really regretting not doing so.

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes when I talk about such things I often feel like I’m not being heard, like people really don’t believe what I’m saying, so it is comforting to have someone listen who really does understand.

      • I instinctively/compulsively wanted to say that you don’t need a trigger warning and that I’m just being over sensitive and silly, but FUCK THAT. Fuck that fucking bullshit. I nearly died! I asked for medical help and was told I was being a sook, and ended up admitted and full of antibiotics via an IV within 12 hours of that conversation, scheduled for surgery. I cannot have more children because of the trauma from his birth, albeit psychological damage, it is damage all the same. Why is it that I am told that my pain and my trauma don’t matter? Because I was assigned female at birth, and having babies is what people assigned female at birth are designed to do? That’s all we’re good for? I have asked for treatment for the PTSD over and over and keep being told, after having it diagnosed as PTSD, that I should just have another baby!

        I hear you. I believe you. I wish like Hells that you didn’t believe ME because you’d never experienced something similar enough in whatever form your trauma took to understand. If there is anything I can do, be it a safe place to vent, or internet-based fist bumps of solidarity, or fucking pretty much anything I can do as a stranger-behind-a-screen, name it. My gets-my-attention email is salix_03 at yahoo dot com and I mean what I said: if there is anything I can do, name it.