I find myself having somewhat of a Family crisis. I know where my religious/spiritual loyalties are, but some weeks ago a God whom I love and cherish deeply (not Apollon) decided I should be made aware of some of His nastier traits. We’ve always had a close relationship, so it’s difficult for me not to judge this behaviour and these attitudes that I was previously unaware of. I don’t like it, and it’s coloring my opinion of Him in a very negative way.
It isn’t only my life that has been affected, and if it were only me, maybe I wouldn’t feel so torn about it. I’m having a very hard time watching events unfold, and watching Him hurt a dear friend of mine with His attitudes. I realize that there is nothing I can do to help. I realize this now only after having tried, unsuccessfully, to help for a few months. I got nowhere, except driven into a situation that I didn’t want to be in. He says I would have ended up there no matter what I did, or didn’t do, because it was His choice that I be placed in that situation.
So now I’m stuck. I have to do what He says, because it’s my place. And I have to interact with Others whom I despise because that’s what He wants. I’ve pretty much given up on making a difference in my friend’s situation, and even in my own. I can’t even renounce my position and walk away from everything. I have never felt so trapped before.
I really don’t know what to do. So, I suppose the only thing I can do now is wait to see what happens. Not that I have any faith in a good outcome… I mean, He’ll get what He wants. He always does. But, whether or not it’s good for me is debatable. I’m not sure I matter that much to Him anyway for my well-being to even be a blip on His radar.
Maybe this was a long time coming. Before this started, I’d only ever interacted with Him being very loving and understanding. Maybe I just overlooked these parts of Him that I’m becoming acquainted with now. Maybe I didn’t know Him as well as I thought I did. Maybe I never will.