Feeling Trapped

I find myself having somewhat of a Family crisis.  I know where my religious/spiritual loyalties are, but some weeks ago a God whom I love and cherish deeply (not Apollon) decided I should be made aware of some of His nastier traits.  We’ve always had a close relationship, so it’s difficult for me not to judge this behaviour and these attitudes that I was previously unaware of.  I don’t like it, and it’s coloring my opinion of Him in a very negative way.

It isn’t only my life that has been affected, and if it were only me, maybe I wouldn’t feel so torn about it.  I’m having a very hard time watching events unfold, and watching Him hurt a dear friend of mine with His attitudes.  I realize that there is nothing I can do to help.  I realize this now only after having tried, unsuccessfully, to help for a few months.  I got nowhere, except driven into a situation that I didn’t want to be in.  He says I would have ended up there no matter what I did, or didn’t do, because it was His choice that I be placed in that situation.

So now I’m stuck.  I have to do what He says, because it’s my place.  And I have to interact with Others whom I despise because that’s what He wants.  I’ve pretty much given up on making a difference in my friend’s situation, and even in my own.  I can’t even renounce my position and walk away from everything.  I have never felt so trapped before.

I really don’t know what to do.  So, I suppose the only thing I can do now is wait to see what happens.  Not that I have any faith in a good outcome…  I mean, He’ll get what He wants.  He always does.  But, whether or not it’s good for me is debatable.  I’m not sure I matter that much to Him anyway for my well-being to even be a blip on His radar.

Maybe this was a long time coming.  Before this started, I’d only ever interacted with Him being very loving and understanding.  Maybe I just overlooked these parts of Him that I’m becoming acquainted with now.  Maybe I didn’t know Him as well as I thought I did.  Maybe I never will.

2 responses to “Feeling Trapped

  1. my heart hurts reading your post, I can only say this: right now there is so much going on with our allies the planets – four now retrograde going over all the inner stuff we need to work on within ourselves with Mercury joining them on the 28th. I have found this at times a very very difficult passage but have relied to the best of my ability on the across the board advice before Mars went retrograde: Do not try to push things for any particular accomplishment or results – sit with things – let them unfold – later in the year will be time to make hard choices and accomplish your will. Now is more observe, listen, re-evaluate – action will come later.