Convo with the Generals

A little back story:  It is unanimously frowned upon for me to have friends of the type with which one would share their deepest secrets.  Not because I’m a bad person, or because I don’t try.  I try very, very hard.  But despite this, those friendships always inevitably crumble from the weight of my Heritage.  I am told that someone like me has Family, subjects, and a/Allies. Not friends.

I’m sharing (with trepidation) because we have disagreements and it’s as important to shine a light on these times as it is when we are all in accord.  I’m dealing with p/People who have opinions and agency, even if many of them are my subjects.

This is for all the Queens and Kings who think everyone in your Courts are supposed to agree with you.  They aren’t.

This is also me owning up to the fact that I may have made the mistake of holding onto something that was doomed from the start, thus causing a great deal of preventable anguish.  It is not my finest moment, to be sure, and I regret a lot of what happened.  But not everything.  Not the good parts.


Me:  So you think I did something wrong?

Consort:  It is possible to be wrong even while doing everything right, so to speak.  The point is that you knew better.

Me:  I think that’s bullshit.

Consort:  And you would be wrong.

Me:  Does everybody agree with this?  Should I have not even bothered? Should I have been cold and horrible and unfeeling and oh so above it all?

General 1:  Well, yes.  Your loneliness, even someone else’s lonliness, is not a good enough reason to close the distance that is meant to be.

Me:  See, I just do not agree that this distance is ‘meant to be’.  What is the purpose for it?

General 2:  For your own good, for your protection, and for the good of the people who interact with you.  You sit on a throne that is removed.  It is separate.  You are separate.

Me:  You all sound like Zeus.

Consort:  Yeah.  Don’t you think there’s a reason we were all gathered together for you?  It’s not like it was an accident.

Me:  He picked you because your values were in alignment with His?  I thought it was because you were supposed to protect me.  Which, by the way, good job.  *claps slowly*

General 2:  Hmmph.  He chose us because we’d tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear.

Me:  *rolls eyes*  That must be so exhausting.

General 3:  Do you think we want to make you unhappy?  You are very literally the reason for our continued existence.  It doesn’t do us any good when you’re miserable.

Me:  Then quit telling me I shouldn’t have friends.  I only wanted one.

General 3:  How many times has this happened?

Me:  Like, four times…

General 3:  Then experience should tell you to stop trying.  You hardly need us for that.

General 2:  I think she needs to stop pretending.

Me:  Pretending!?

General 2:  Stop pretending that you’re the same as them.

Me:  Oh.  My.  God.

Consort:  Don’t bring Him into this.  This is between us.  And besides, He isn’t magically exempt from Zeus’ values.

Me:  Whatever, [name redacted].  I deserve to have friends.  Our friendship was mutually beneficial.

Consort:  It was codependent.

General 1:  Do you know how bourgiose you sound right now, talking about what you ‘deserve’?  You’re a Queen.  You already have everything anyone could ever want.  Your job is to put others first.

Me:  So I don’t deserve to be happy!?

General 1:  Not at the expense of others, no.

Consort:  Look, the bottom line is you were hurting [pronoun redacted]. Your friendship was toxic to [pronoun redacted], because of who and what you are.  You’re always talking about doing the right thing, about not hurting people, about being a good Queen.  Well, a good Queen knows when to stop contributing to the suffering of others, ESPECIALLY when she calls them friend.  This isn’t about you, My love, and it never was.

Me:  *stews angrily*

Consort:  In the end, [pronoun redacted] did the right thing when you failed to.  But it was because [pronoun redacted] was in pain, much of which could have been avoided if you’d have listened to your Father.

Me:  *scoffs*  I’d say ‘I don’t believe this’, but y’all know it would be a lie.

Consort:  Don’t ever try to lie to Me, Princess.  You’re too transparent.

Me:  You don’t get to call me that right now.

Consort:  *smiling*  Forgive Me, My Queen.


***What is written above is what my spirits tell me, about my brand of Queenship.  It is entirely likely and appropriate for your spirits to tell you something different, and to expect something different from you.  My path is not yours.  Do not ever look at mine as a template for your own.***

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5 responses to “Convo with the Generals

  1. And wouldn’t you know it…. I post this to get them off my case, and the nightmares that have plagued me for the last week and a half, finally stop. Sheesh. Point taken.

  2. If you can’t have friends, what’s the point? Friends help share the burden, help you find the path when you’ve strayed, sound an alarm when you’re about to do something wrong. Not having friends is crippling. I can’t imagine being told that I have to be separate for the rest of my life. It’s not liberating, it’s a prison. (just my opinion – don’t mean to sound harsh – forgive me if I do, please)

    • I tend to agree with you, but every single time I have opened myself to a deep friendship such as the one discussed here, it has ended either in a betrayal of trust from the one I called friend, or it has collapsed under the weight of our differences– namely, me being myself. I think my Generals are just tired of seeing me go through the loss, over and over and over again. I don’t really know what to do other than think maybe they’re right. I sure don’t want to hurt anyone, or get hurt again myself. It’s too painful to grow close to someone and then have them ripped out of my life, with all my secrets in tow. And while I believe my secrets are safe, still, it’s a dangerous gamble, and one that those who protect me are unwilling to see happen again.

      • I can see their point, and yours. I don’t consider myself to be a very social person but I lean on my friends quite a bit, and since they’re stranger than I am I don’t have the problem with the relationship collapsing like that. You wouldn’t have a chance with a Mundane, not with the load you’re carrying.

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