Heat Waves In the Dark

Have you ever looked out at the landscape from over the top of a hot grill, maybe while enjoying some family outing in a park or backyard?  You know how the heat rises in waves from the grill, distorting the view of everything seen through its movement?  It’s almost hypnotic, isn’t it?  I’ve always loved watching it, whenever I get a glimpse of that proof of the energy of fire contained.

You can see these heat waves in other places, and in other circumstances, too.  Like through the windshield of a car when driving through the desert.  The last time I saw it there was on the way through New Mexico.  It was a hot, hot day, and the waves were beautiful.  I saw them again today, and while it continues to be very hot in South Texas, I wasn’t outside when I saw them.  I was laying in bed.  Just laying, watching my son sleep beside me, when I looked up and noticed the heat waves, dancing just a few feet away.

I paused.  Looked.  Looked so deeply, wondering if I were mistaken.  After all, it was dark in my room.  Most of the lights were out, and I’ve never seen heat waves in the dark, before today.  And then I realized, Apollon’s shrine is just on the other side of the wall in front of the bed.  It wouldn’t take much for Him to just sort of reach through.  Then I smiled, because I knew it was Him, and because I could see, right before my eyes, the proof of His manifestation.

So I reached out toward the waves, and the heat slid across my arm so slow and steady, just a simple kindness from Him to me.  And I thanked Him, and I praised Him, and breathed Him in.  It was everything I’d needed.  You see, I’d had a bit of the breakdown early this morning, before the Sun rose.  Silently, I cried, as memories of my past, and all the pain of it came flooding back to me.  I thought I had heard His voice in my mind, pleading with me to go to Him, to see Him, to let that pain fall away in His presence, but I couldn’t.

So many years of thinking that my pain was undesirable to Him, that it would offend Him, hasn’t gone away completely.  It’s even harder when I’m depressed.  So instead, I laid there in bed until the numbness overtook me again, and I could begin my day.  Mostly, I’ve just been resting today, but I finally did go to see Him at His shrine.

I poured olive oil and water over the Agyieus stone, with my son on my hip.  I said the loving words, and meant them.  When I was able, I did some minor work to the statuette of Loxias I’m making for Him.  And He wasn’t upset that I didn’t feel one hundred percent, nor was He aloof because I’d waited a few hours to see Him, instead of coming immediately after He’d asked.  He just sat with me at the shrine, sharing His presence.

And when it was time to lay the little one down for a nap, Apollon joined us.  I don’t know how long He had been hovering in heat waves over the bed, and it doesn’t matter.  He was there, not because He needed to be noticed, but because He loves us– because He loves me.  And I love Him, and that’s all there is to know.

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