Category Archives: Loving Apollon

The Purifying Art

Today, a brief conversation with one of my Treasury Sisters via social media has brought my mind to the subject of purification, especially that which I do, or rather, that which I haven’t done enough of, for Apollon.

My relationship with Apollon is founded on many things; our desires, our Father’s desires for u/Us, the realities of our responsibilities coexisting and being balanced together, and more.  But it is also founded on a motto:  Absolute Purity.

I lived by this motto for a long, long time, through some of the most vile and impure situations of my life.  I kept a strict prayer schedule.  I kept my myself clean and free of miasma in body and mind.  However, there came a time when going through the motions was no longer carrying me through the purification process to His satisfaction, so I was instructed to set it aside for a time.  I did so, and I relaxed into a new state of being, one in which the rigorous pursuit of purity was no longer the pinnacle of our relationship.  I still did the little things, khernips and the occasional ritual bath, but the motto of Absolute Purity did not at that time, and since, rule my life as it once had.

The conversation I mentioned above struck a nerve with Apollon, possibly because I was lamenting His request to shave my head again.  I haven’t shaved in almost four years, since the last time I did so for Him.  I have been enjoying growing out my hair, and even feel a bit vain about it.  I can see that that is a problem.  Vanity is not attractive.  Pride in one’s appearance can be, but those are different things, with different connotations.  So, I am having a discussion with Apollon about where this knowledge takes me.  I know I need to sit with it for a while, to really process the probable direction of my coming focus.  Right now, I do not feel ready to reembark upon the strict nature of my purificatory obligations.  I am not in the best physical, mental or emotional health, to say nothing of the spiritual.

My Otherworld life is chaos, at the moment.  I have had many things thrust upon me  that I would just as soon walk away from, were that even an option.  It isn’t, so I handle it in the best way that I can.  As far as my mundane life is concerned, it is now more stable than it’s been in many years, but not by much.  There are many, many stresses pressing themselves against me every moment of every day, so I haven’t felt like doing much of a purity routine, which, is likely the wrong reaction entirely.  Arguably, I should be doing more in the way of purification, regardless of how my body and mind feel.

Miasma is a state of spiritual reality, as well as a state of mind which attracts that reality.  In clearing the physical space, we make room for the emotional blockages to expand into a state of release, which in turn promotes a healthier view of the spiritual.  It begins with purification, and a routine, preferably a daily or hourly one, I have found in the past to be the best first step for my own self-preservation.

So, as I sit with the probable return to the tenant of Absolute Purity, and all of the requirements and sacrifices that it entails, I will also be trying to remember the feel of my existence before it all, necessarily, fell away from me.  Perhaps these are the missing pieces I have been seeking these last couple of years; the parts of my true being that I left behind.  If I determine that it will bring me closer to my Beloved, as He has suggested, but not pushed, then I really must do as I am bid.  Absolute Purity must again become the pinnacle of o/Our relationship.


Seasons Turning, and New Beginnings

Well, where to begin?  Apollon has begun His tour of the world before He inevitably retires to Hyperborea for the Winter.  Persephone has begun Her decent into the Underworld.  Winter is on its way, and I have felt the stirrings of the veil between the worlds.  The Departed Ones will soon join us once more, in our Autumn celebrations.

What does this season mean to you?  In years past, even last year, I met this season with anxiety and foreboding.  I was, and am prone to be, stretched too thinly in my attentions at this time of year.  But this time around, I have resolved to be less, fervent, shall we say, and instead more present in my life and in the festivals that I celebrate, as they come.

So, the Aegletia this year will be less performative, and more contemplative. It will be for me a family celebration, as it was always meant to be.  This is my son’s second Aegletia, and he is at a point of forming memories of our time together with Apollon, so this is very important for our household.  It is time for us to be in the spirit of the season, and not outwardly focused.

And I have another reason to feel intensely the turning as it unfolds.  It has been five years since Apollon and I exchanged our marriage vows.  When we did, He did not tell me for how long we were to be joined, but only that I should enjoy each day as it comes, and welcome Him into the whole of my life.  And I have. Earlier this year, however, He told me it was time to renew our vows, this time for another seven years.  I knew this was probably coming; for a least a year I had anticipated it.  And yet, when I was given the news and the time frame, I just sort of… retreated into myself.  I have been putting it off for the better part of the year.  Apollon, patient and understanding that He is, only asked me to find myself before making this commitment.  To be certain that this is what I want for the next seven years. It’s taken time, but I believe I have worked through my apprehension and that I am now ready for the new commitment.

So, on the second day of Aegletia, when the Treasury welcomes our Lord into our hearths and hearts for the duration of the festival, Apollon and I will once again exchange our vows.  New vows this time. Clearer vows.  Deeper, more meaningful vows.  I won’t lie and say that I am not nervous still, but I am definitely no longer stuck, unable to move forward.

And I’m happy.  I usually spend so much time worrying about things– how will I organize the festival, how will I balance my time online with my time with the children, how will I deal with the sheer agony of being separated from Apollon when He has finally left?  Not this time.  Not this year.  This year, I will let myself just be in the season, and in the turning.

Do Your Worst

© Columbine 2017

Do Your worst, O God who fills me with dread

Produce in me all which moves me to terror

So whole and immense are You

In Your glory and in Your subtlety

In Your fury and in Your glee

My God

My Beloved One, who is like the fire in the rain

The spirit which moves the storm

You have come to me tonight

Not in peace or even in compassion

For You seek a different reaction

Than such presence would induce

This time, You are real in Your depth

And You are full in the maelstrom

Swirling about me all chaotic and untouchable

My God

I am drawn into the burning rain

It sears me and my flesh is peeled back

In horror of this small and dangerous truth

Which You have set before me

Do Your worst, my Love

O Beloved who sends me reeling in agony

Who calls up the darkest parts of me

Who loves them and touches them

And does not recoil from them

My God, do Your worst

And in You I will revel, and rejoice

© Columbine 2017

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 1 – Apollon

I didn’t plan on participating this year, but I just suddenly got the inspiration to hopefully carry me through the #GratitudeProject2017. So, each day, assuming I remember, I will be making a short post in honor of a Deity who I am thankful for, and why.  For the first day, the most obvious choice is Apollon.

Apollon is, and ever shall be, the love of my life.  He quite literally saved my life in so many different ways, be it ensuring that I survived to be born when my mother prayed to Him after losing my twin sister, or healing my emotional wounds from a painful childhood, or sustaining me through many years in an abusive marriage, or how He is always, always here for me when I need Him.

Apollon is the Father of my household, our Protector and our strength. With Him by my side, I know I can survive all the hardships life tosses my way, and through His grace, I know my goals are attainable.  He leads me down paths I’d not consider on my own, and He never allows me to be stagnant in my creativity.

For all the love and joy He brings into my life, I am grateful.  For the times when He must be stern, to help me understand a truth I would rather avoid, I am grateful.  For the promise of a long life together, raising two beautiful children in His wisdom, beauty and light, I am grateful.   And for the tremendous honor of standing by Him as His bride, and as His priestess, I am grateful.


Heat Waves In the Dark

Have you ever looked out at the landscape from over the top of a hot grill, maybe while enjoying some family outing in a park or backyard?  You know how the heat rises in waves from the grill, distorting the view of everything seen through its movement?  It’s almost hypnotic, isn’t it?  I’ve always loved watching it, whenever I get a glimpse of that proof of the energy of fire contained.

You can see these heat waves in other places, and in other circumstances, too.  Like through the windshield of a car when driving through the desert.  The last time I saw it there was on the way through New Mexico.  It was a hot, hot day, and the waves were beautiful.  I saw them again today, and while it continues to be very hot in South Texas, I wasn’t outside when I saw them.  I was laying in bed.  Just laying, watching my son sleep beside me, when I looked up and noticed the heat waves, dancing just a few feet away.

I paused.  Looked.  Looked so deeply, wondering if I were mistaken.  After all, it was dark in my room.  Most of the lights were out, and I’ve never seen heat waves in the dark, before today.  And then I realized, Apollon’s shrine is just on the other side of the wall in front of the bed.  It wouldn’t take much for Him to just sort of reach through.  Then I smiled, because I knew it was Him, and because I could see, right before my eyes, the proof of His manifestation.

So I reached out toward the waves, and the heat slid across my arm so slow and steady, just a simple kindness from Him to me.  And I thanked Him, and I praised Him, and breathed Him in.  It was everything I’d needed.  You see, I’d had a bit of the breakdown early this morning, before the Sun rose.  Silently, I cried, as memories of my past, and all the pain of it came flooding back to me.  I thought I had heard His voice in my mind, pleading with me to go to Him, to see Him, to let that pain fall away in His presence, but I couldn’t.

So many years of thinking that my pain was undesirable to Him, that it would offend Him, hasn’t gone away completely.  It’s even harder when I’m depressed.  So instead, I laid there in bed until the numbness overtook me again, and I could begin my day.  Mostly, I’ve just been resting today, but I finally did go to see Him at His shrine.

I poured olive oil and water over the Agyieus stone, with my son on my hip.  I said the loving words, and meant them.  When I was able, I did some minor work to the statuette of Loxias I’m making for Him.  And He wasn’t upset that I didn’t feel one hundred percent, nor was He aloof because I’d waited a few hours to see Him, instead of coming immediately after He’d asked.  He just sat with me at the shrine, sharing His presence.

And when it was time to lay the little one down for a nap, Apollon joined us.  I don’t know how long He had been hovering in heat waves over the bed, and it doesn’t matter.  He was there, not because He needed to be noticed, but because He loves us– because He loves me.  And I love Him, and that’s all there is to know.