Category Archives: My Life

The Purifying Art

Today, a brief conversation with one of my Treasury Sisters via social media has brought my mind to the subject of purification, especially that which I do, or rather, that which I haven’t done enough of, for Apollon.

My relationship with Apollon is founded on many things; our desires, our Father’s desires for u/Us, the realities of our responsibilities coexisting and being balanced together, and more.  But it is also founded on a motto:  Absolute Purity.

I lived by this motto for a long, long time, through some of the most vile and impure situations of my life.  I kept a strict prayer schedule.  I kept my myself clean and free of miasma in body and mind.  However, there came a time when going through the motions was no longer carrying me through the purification process to His satisfaction, so I was instructed to set it aside for a time.  I did so, and I relaxed into a new state of being, one in which the rigorous pursuit of purity was no longer the pinnacle of our relationship.  I still did the little things, khernips and the occasional ritual bath, but the motto of Absolute Purity did not at that time, and since, rule my life as it once had.

The conversation I mentioned above struck a nerve with Apollon, possibly because I was lamenting His request to shave my head again.  I haven’t shaved in almost four years, since the last time I did so for Him.  I have been enjoying growing out my hair, and even feel a bit vain about it.  I can see that that is a problem.  Vanity is not attractive.  Pride in one’s appearance can be, but those are different things, with different connotations.  So, I am having a discussion with Apollon about where this knowledge takes me.  I know I need to sit with it for a while, to really process the probable direction of my coming focus.  Right now, I do not feel ready to reembark upon the strict nature of my purificatory obligations.  I am not in the best physical, mental or emotional health, to say nothing of the spiritual.

My Otherworld life is chaos, at the moment.  I have had many things thrust upon me  that I would just as soon walk away from, were that even an option.  It isn’t, so I handle it in the best way that I can.  As far as my mundane life is concerned, it is now more stable than it’s been in many years, but not by much.  There are many, many stresses pressing themselves against me every moment of every day, so I haven’t felt like doing much of a purity routine, which, is likely the wrong reaction entirely.  Arguably, I should be doing more in the way of purification, regardless of how my body and mind feel.

Miasma is a state of spiritual reality, as well as a state of mind which attracts that reality.  In clearing the physical space, we make room for the emotional blockages to expand into a state of release, which in turn promotes a healthier view of the spiritual.  It begins with purification, and a routine, preferably a daily or hourly one, I have found in the past to be the best first step for my own self-preservation.

So, as I sit with the probable return to the tenant of Absolute Purity, and all of the requirements and sacrifices that it entails, I will also be trying to remember the feel of my existence before it all, necessarily, fell away from me.  Perhaps these are the missing pieces I have been seeking these last couple of years; the parts of my true being that I left behind.  If I determine that it will bring me closer to my Beloved, as He has suggested, but not pushed, then I really must do as I am bid.  Absolute Purity must again become the pinnacle of o/Our relationship.

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Seasons Turning, and New Beginnings

Well, where to begin?  Apollon has begun His tour of the world before He inevitably retires to Hyperborea for the Winter.  Persephone has begun Her decent into the Underworld.  Winter is on its way, and I have felt the stirrings of the veil between the worlds.  The Departed Ones will soon join us once more, in our Autumn celebrations.

What does this season mean to you?  In years past, even last year, I met this season with anxiety and foreboding.  I was, and am prone to be, stretched too thinly in my attentions at this time of year.  But this time around, I have resolved to be less, fervent, shall we say, and instead more present in my life and in the festivals that I celebrate, as they come.

So, the Aegletia this year will be less performative, and more contemplative. It will be for me a family celebration, as it was always meant to be.  This is my son’s second Aegletia, and he is at a point of forming memories of our time together with Apollon, so this is very important for our household.  It is time for us to be in the spirit of the season, and not outwardly focused.

And I have another reason to feel intensely the turning as it unfolds.  It has been five years since Apollon and I exchanged our marriage vows.  When we did, He did not tell me for how long we were to be joined, but only that I should enjoy each day as it comes, and welcome Him into the whole of my life.  And I have. Earlier this year, however, He told me it was time to renew our vows, this time for another seven years.  I knew this was probably coming; for a least a year I had anticipated it.  And yet, when I was given the news and the time frame, I just sort of… retreated into myself.  I have been putting it off for the better part of the year.  Apollon, patient and understanding that He is, only asked me to find myself before making this commitment.  To be certain that this is what I want for the next seven years. It’s taken time, but I believe I have worked through my apprehension and that I am now ready for the new commitment.

So, on the second day of Aegletia, when the Treasury welcomes our Lord into our hearths and hearts for the duration of the festival, Apollon and I will once again exchange our vows.  New vows this time. Clearer vows.  Deeper, more meaningful vows.  I won’t lie and say that I am not nervous still, but I am definitely no longer stuck, unable to move forward.

And I’m happy.  I usually spend so much time worrying about things– how will I organize the festival, how will I balance my time online with my time with the children, how will I deal with the sheer agony of being separated from Apollon when He has finally left?  Not this time.  Not this year.  This year, I will let myself just be in the season, and in the turning.

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 31 – Asmodeus

Tonight’s post will be the last for my participation in this year’s Gratitude Project.  I know it’s supposed to run until the Autumnal Equinox, but I  need to switch gears now to get ready for festivals coming at the end of this month and the beginning of the next.  Thirty-one days for thirty-one Gods, I think is fairly good, so I’m not going to fret about it.


Recently, within the last couple of years, I’ve begun reacquainting myself with the Demonic Pantheon.  It’s all still very new, but it feels almost like home.  I wasn’t expecting that.  But, you know, mostly I wasn’t expecting to fall in love again.

I didn’t even want to include Asmodeus in these Gratitude Project posts.  I wasn’t going to, which is why His comes on the last day of my participation.  He insisted.  It was His choice to reveal Himself as Someone special in my life.  I don’t know why it’s so important to Him, when previously He’s been so adamant on keeping us a secret.  But He wanted this, so I’m giving it to Him

We are still in the honeymoon phase, and everything is fresh and clear and perfect.  I’m not naïve enough to think it will always be this way, but right now, it’s more wonderful than anything I can think of.

Maybe we rushed into this a little too quickly, but we were drawn together by a force so powerful, it was like lifetimes of longing culminated in our decision to be together.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  And I’m glad. I’m glad it happened.  I’m glad I have the opportunity to love Someone else, and to share myself with Him, as I share myself with Others.

Love is like a flame.  Light one candle or a hundred, and the original flame still burns, undiminished.  Asmodeus burned into my life like a blazing star.  He followed all of the arbitrary rules set forth by my Father, and He wooed me to Zeus’ (and my) satisfaction.  What more could I ask for in a potential Partner, apart from His love and affection?

Asmodeus gives me those things without any working obligations.  I’m someone He loves for the sake of love, not for what I can do for Him, and that is the main difference between His love and Apollon’s love (though it’s not quite as simple as that).  I need both in my life, it’s true, but they are completely different dynamics.

My relationship with Asmodeus has opened me up to new possibilities, and new experiences.  It comes with its own quirks and stressed, but we’ve found it to be worth it.  I never thought I’d have another Beloved, but He won me over and proved me wrong.  For that, I am lovingly and exceedingly grateful.

#GratitudeProject2017

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 30 – Leto

Leto has taught me many things.  So many things about motherhood and the nature of true love, especially.  How to love fiercely, how to protect, how to make decisions based solely on the welfare of my children.  She taught me how to truly care about others, because for a very long time in my life, all I cared about was protecting myself.

You see, when you grow up without anyone to look out for you, to really look out for you, you’ll quickly realize that all you have is yourself.  And when you only have yourself, you have no reason to love anyone.  Love is the only thing worth living for, and I didn’t love anyone or anything until my first child was born.

Learning to love and to give was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When my daughter was young, my depression was at its worst.  I had long since switched myself off emotionally.  I manipulated my psyche so I wouldn’t feel.  It was the pain that I wanted to avoid, but I inadvertantly took away all potential for joy, as well.  And when you can’t feel joy, you can’t express joy, or love, to a child.  Once I realized this, I realized I would only be perpetuating the pattern that drove me to abandon my feelings to begin with.  I would be irreversibly harming my child, and I couldn’t allow that. I had to change the pattern.

At that time I was just starting to know Apollon, and part of learning about Him meant learning about His Mother.  So I read Her lore. Through reading, I watched Her traverse the world in search of safety for Her Children, and I watched Her bring Them into the world with ease, and with great pain.  She never gave up hope, and She always did what was right and necessary for Herself and Her Children.  That was the lesson I needed.  It was what prompted me to begin my healing process.

It wasn’t easy.  Healing is possibly the most excruciating process one can endure. And for me, in order to heal, I first had to learn how to feel again.

When I made the decision to reintegrate my emotions, the first thing that flooded back was all the pain that I’d wanted freedom from. Before I could learn joy, I had to face my despair, and I had to conquer it. Apollon and Dionysos were both with me, so I wasn’t alone, but really, a person is always alone when facing themselves, and all the things which make them who and what they are.  I faced myself, and I saw myself, and I slowly learned to love myself.  That was the necessary first step to feeling and giving love to my child.

All of this I owe to Leto, first and foremost.  She was the example.  She was the catalyst to change.  Her strength gave me the hope that maybe there was a better way than emotional numbness.  Today I can love and feel for many, not only myself and my children.  I can give Apollon and Alexander, and Someone else, the love They deserve.  I can love my Court, and my subjects.  I can even love my friends.  None of which would have been possible if I hadn’t tried to know Leto– if She hadn’t shown me the way.  For that, I will forever be grateful.  Leto gave me the most precious gift imaginable.  She gave me the right to call myself a mother.  And I thank Her.

#GratitudeProject2017

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 29 – Alexander

This is a difficult one to write, because I don’t think I’ve ever written about Alexander before, or about what He means to me.  He is the only truly historically corroborated deified human to receive my devotion. We have known one another for a very long time, but I honestly have no idea when He first approached me.

I just remember being young, and completely fascinated.  I think it was around the time I was trying to get Ares’ attention, but He (I now know Zeus encouraged this) sort of pushed Alexander at me, and said, “Here, You deal with that instead.”  Luckily, Alexander and I, especially my younger self, had quite a lot in common.

Mostly, our conversations consisted of me asking unending questions, and Him answering them with wit and flair.  To this day, He makes me laugh more than Anyone, and I always feel safest and most secure when He is near.

I’m sure this is a different dynamic than His other devotees have with Him.  That’s fine.  Our relationship is something quite different.  It isn’t important for me to disclose the details, but I didn’t want to get toward the end of my participation in this year’s Gratitude Project without letting Him know how much He means to me.

I would be so much less without Alexander.  He fills the gaps in my rule, and in my existence.  He is my Right Hand, the General of Generals, and He can never be replaced.  He has my sincerest devotion– my love— and I am grateful that Zeus told Him to wait for me.  But I am most grateful that He decided I was worth waiting for.

#GratitudeProject2017