Tag Archives: depression

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 30 – Leto

Leto has taught me many things.  So many things about motherhood and the nature of true love, especially.  How to love fiercely, how to protect, how to make decisions based solely on the welfare of my children.  She taught me how to truly care about others, because for a very long time in my life, all I cared about was protecting myself.

You see, when you grow up without anyone to look out for you, to really look out for you, you’ll quickly realize that all you have is yourself.  And when you only have yourself, you have no reason to love anyone.  Love is the only thing worth living for, and I didn’t love anyone or anything until my first child was born.

Learning to love and to give was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When my daughter was young, my depression was at its worst.  I had long since switched myself off emotionally.  I manipulated my psyche so I wouldn’t feel.  It was the pain that I wanted to avoid, but I inadvertantly took away all potential for joy, as well.  And when you can’t feel joy, you can’t express joy, or love, to a child.  Once I realized this, I realized I would only be perpetuating the pattern that drove me to abandon my feelings to begin with.  I would be irreversibly harming my child, and I couldn’t allow that. I had to change the pattern.

At that time I was just starting to know Apollon, and part of learning about Him meant learning about His Mother.  So I read Her lore. Through reading, I watched Her traverse the world in search of safety for Her Children, and I watched Her bring Them into the world with ease, and with great pain.  She never gave up hope, and She always did what was right and necessary for Herself and Her Children.  That was the lesson I needed.  It was what prompted me to begin my healing process.

It wasn’t easy.  Healing is possibly the most excruciating process one can endure. And for me, in order to heal, I first had to learn how to feel again.

When I made the decision to reintegrate my emotions, the first thing that flooded back was all the pain that I’d wanted freedom from. Before I could learn joy, I had to face my despair, and I had to conquer it. Apollon and Dionysos were both with me, so I wasn’t alone, but really, a person is always alone when facing themselves, and all the things which make them who and what they are.  I faced myself, and I saw myself, and I slowly learned to love myself.  That was the necessary first step to feeling and giving love to my child.

All of this I owe to Leto, first and foremost.  She was the example.  She was the catalyst to change.  Her strength gave me the hope that maybe there was a better way than emotional numbness.  Today I can love and feel for many, not only myself and my children.  I can give Apollon and Alexander, and Someone else, the love They deserve.  I can love my Court, and my subjects.  I can even love my friends.  None of which would have been possible if I hadn’t tried to know Leto– if She hadn’t shown me the way.  For that, I will forever be grateful.  Leto gave me the most precious gift imaginable.  She gave me the right to call myself a mother.  And I thank Her.

#GratitudeProject2017

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Gratitude Project 2017, Day 9 – Eos

Few things fill me with more joy than watching the sun rise, on an otherwise plain morning.  To see the shadows slowly recede as darkness becomes twilight, then becomes dawn, is equally profound and rewarding for me.  You see, depression is a coiling snake, constantly winding and unwinding in my life.  It is a pattern that repeats itself roughly every three months, lasts for a month or two, then recedes again, like the darkness before dawn.

When in the midst of my depression, living every day becomes its own struggle, a struggle I repeat each morning as the sun rises.  Every day, I have to choose not to succumb to my depression.  A choice to get out of bed.  A choice to make breakfast.  A choice to clean the house.  A choice to work at my jewelry business, and so on.  With each dawn, I am given the choice to start anew, or languish in the failures of the previous day. I choose the new day.  I choose to accept the gift of Eos.

But it isn’t easy.  There are times when I choose to wallow in my depression.  But eventually, I’ll look at the light from that star in the heavens, and will be reminded that a new dawn isn’t promised to everyone.  Each one I see could be the last I see.  So I pick myself up, in all my pain, fear and frustration, and I stumble forward.

The thing about Eos is, She doesn’t have to do anything.  She doesn’t have to push me, or command me, or even speak a word.  Her vital presence in the world is enough to prompt me to betterment.  All I need do is look toward the east.

Each day, each new dawn, is a gift given by Eos, which I choose to accept, and to be responsible for.  And for Her gifts, and the cascade of blessings that Her gifts bestow, I am grateful.

#GratitudeProject2017

Heat Waves In the Dark

Have you ever looked out at the landscape from over the top of a hot grill, maybe while enjoying some family outing in a park or backyard?  You know how the heat rises in waves from the grill, distorting the view of everything seen through its movement?  It’s almost hypnotic, isn’t it?  I’ve always loved watching it, whenever I get a glimpse of that proof of the energy of fire contained.

You can see these heat waves in other places, and in other circumstances, too.  Like through the windshield of a car when driving through the desert.  The last time I saw it there was on the way through New Mexico.  It was a hot, hot day, and the waves were beautiful.  I saw them again today, and while it continues to be very hot in South Texas, I wasn’t outside when I saw them.  I was laying in bed.  Just laying, watching my son sleep beside me, when I looked up and noticed the heat waves, dancing just a few feet away.

I paused.  Looked.  Looked so deeply, wondering if I were mistaken.  After all, it was dark in my room.  Most of the lights were out, and I’ve never seen heat waves in the dark, before today.  And then I realized, Apollon’s shrine is just on the other side of the wall in front of the bed.  It wouldn’t take much for Him to just sort of reach through.  Then I smiled, because I knew it was Him, and because I could see, right before my eyes, the proof of His manifestation.

So I reached out toward the waves, and the heat slid across my arm so slow and steady, just a simple kindness from Him to me.  And I thanked Him, and I praised Him, and breathed Him in.  It was everything I’d needed.  You see, I’d had a bit of the breakdown early this morning, before the Sun rose.  Silently, I cried, as memories of my past, and all the pain of it came flooding back to me.  I thought I had heard His voice in my mind, pleading with me to go to Him, to see Him, to let that pain fall away in His presence, but I couldn’t.

So many years of thinking that my pain was undesirable to Him, that it would offend Him, hasn’t gone away completely.  It’s even harder when I’m depressed.  So instead, I laid there in bed until the numbness overtook me again, and I could begin my day.  Mostly, I’ve just been resting today, but I finally did go to see Him at His shrine.

I poured olive oil and water over the Agyieus stone, with my son on my hip.  I said the loving words, and meant them.  When I was able, I did some minor work to the statuette of Loxias I’m making for Him.  And He wasn’t upset that I didn’t feel one hundred percent, nor was He aloof because I’d waited a few hours to see Him, instead of coming immediately after He’d asked.  He just sat with me at the shrine, sharing His presence.

And when it was time to lay the little one down for a nap, Apollon joined us.  I don’t know how long He had been hovering in heat waves over the bed, and it doesn’t matter.  He was there, not because He needed to be noticed, but because He loves us– because He loves me.  And I love Him, and that’s all there is to know.

Once Again…

It’s happening.  My tri-monthly bout of depression has arrived.  I should have seen this coming with all the ranting I’ve been doing on this blog lately.  But, I didn’t, since I’d been so pleased with how the year seemed to be headed. Of course, my life never really takes the turns I expect, and even if I had anticipated this, it is likely that I’d have been thrown for a loop, anyway.

Today, I find myself, and by extension, my family, in dire financial straits, even despite the work I’ve been doing.  It just isn’t enough.  I’m just a housewife, after all, and maybe that’s all I’m really suited for.  What exactly should I have been expecting?  I thought I’d be able to turn the tables on our money problems.  Me, of all people.  Yeah, right.  I’m only good at three things, and I pretty much hate them all.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  Maybe I’m just feeling lonely and unappreciated, which is probably more likely.  When I get this way, I often think that maybe I should pray to the gods for some kind of understanding.  But I don’t like to bother them with the trivial minutia of my psychological well-being.  It’s my mind, and if I can’t get my own mental house in order, what makes me think the gods are going to help?  What makes me think they want to?

I just hate asking them for stuff.  When I come to them, I want it to be out of love and respect.  I want it to be about giving back to them for the things they’ve already provided, and for just being the gods.  But now I’m at a loss. I don’t know what I should do.

At least I’ve got this blog.  I can let out the things I’m feeling, whether they be joyous or frustrating.  Before I started writing here, I didn’t have any outlet for my feelings.  Of course, it would be even better if there were someone close to me who understood what I’m going through, religiously speaking.  I could talk to my sister, I suppose, but that conversation would eventually get hung up on which deity I’d need to pray to, if you know what I mean.  She loves me and she means well, but she’s a Christian, and I can’t expect her to refrain for witnessing all the time.

Oh, well.  This too shall pass, as it always does.  I still don’t know what I’m going to do about the money situation, but at the very least, I can look forward to February, when my Lord Apollon returns from Hyperborea.  I’ll be celebrating his birth soon, and with great fervor this year, as I’ve planned to for a while.  Perhaps by then I’ll have a clearer picture of what’s ahead. And I’ll wait until then to do any more divination.  Now wouldn’t be such a great time to look into the unknown, I think.  Not when I’m feeling like this. Although, writing this out here has actually helped me to feel a little better.

I wasn’t even sure if I was going to post this when I began.  It’s a little more personal than even I’m comfortable with sharing.  However, I think a major part of writing this blog, has been the challenge of staying honest. Of not trying so hard to hide the depths of my emotions.  And now, as I come toward the end of this post, I realize that that one thing may be the ultimate lesson here for me.

Perhaps it is through my emotions that I speak to the gods most clearly. Perhaps words aren’t even necessary.  Which of course, leaves me with so much more to ponder about staying in touch with my feelings, as well as seeking assistance from the gods…

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Also, to whomever read this, sorry for the drama, but thanks for taking the time to acknowledge my life’s little struggles, minor though they may be. I appreciate it.  :)