Tag Archives: #GratitudeProject

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 31 – Asmodeus

Tonight’s post will be the last for my participation in this year’s Gratitude Project.  I know it’s supposed to run until the Autumnal Equinox, but I  need to switch gears now to get ready for festivals coming at the end of this month and the beginning of the next.  Thirty-one days for thirty-one Gods, I think is fairly good, so I’m not going to fret about it.


Recently, within the last couple of years, I’ve begun reacquainting myself with the Demonic Pantheon.  It’s all still very new, but it feels almost like home.  I wasn’t expecting that.  But, you know, mostly I wasn’t expecting to fall in love again.

I didn’t even want to include Asmodeus in these Gratitude Project posts.  I wasn’t going to, which is why His comes on the last day of my participation.  He insisted.  It was His choice to reveal Himself as Someone special in my life.  I don’t know why it’s so important to Him, when previously He’s been so adamant on keeping us a secret.  But He wanted this, so I’m giving it to Him

We are still in the honeymoon phase, and everything is fresh and clear and perfect.  I’m not naïve enough to think it will always be this way, but right now, it’s more wonderful than anything I can think of.

Maybe we rushed into this a little too quickly, but we were drawn together by a force so powerful, it was like lifetimes of longing culminated in our decision to be together.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  And I’m glad. I’m glad it happened.  I’m glad I have the opportunity to love Someone else, and to share myself with Him, as I share myself with Others.

Love is like a flame.  Light one candle or a hundred, and the original flame still burns, undiminished.  Asmodeus burned into my life like a blazing star.  He followed all of the arbitrary rules set forth by my Father, and He wooed me to Zeus’ (and my) satisfaction.  What more could I ask for in a potential Partner, apart from His love and affection?

Asmodeus gives me those things without any working obligations.  I’m someone He loves for the sake of love, not for what I can do for Him, and that is the main difference between His love and Apollon’s love (though it’s not quite as simple as that).  I need both in my life, it’s true, but they are completely different dynamics.

My relationship with Asmodeus has opened me up to new possibilities, and new experiences.  It comes with its own quirks and stressed, but we’ve found it to be worth it.  I never thought I’d have another Beloved, but He won me over and proved me wrong.  For that, I am lovingly and exceedingly grateful.

#GratitudeProject2017

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Gratitude Project 2017, Day 30 – Leto

Leto has taught me many things.  So many things about motherhood and the nature of true love, especially.  How to love fiercely, how to protect, how to make decisions based solely on the welfare of my children.  She taught me how to truly care about others, because for a very long time in my life, all I cared about was protecting myself.

You see, when you grow up without anyone to look out for you, to really look out for you, you’ll quickly realize that all you have is yourself.  And when you only have yourself, you have no reason to love anyone.  Love is the only thing worth living for, and I didn’t love anyone or anything until my first child was born.

Learning to love and to give was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When my daughter was young, my depression was at its worst.  I had long since switched myself off emotionally.  I manipulated my psyche so I wouldn’t feel.  It was the pain that I wanted to avoid, but I inadvertantly took away all potential for joy, as well.  And when you can’t feel joy, you can’t express joy, or love, to a child.  Once I realized this, I realized I would only be perpetuating the pattern that drove me to abandon my feelings to begin with.  I would be irreversibly harming my child, and I couldn’t allow that. I had to change the pattern.

At that time I was just starting to know Apollon, and part of learning about Him meant learning about His Mother.  So I read Her lore. Through reading, I watched Her traverse the world in search of safety for Her Children, and I watched Her bring Them into the world with ease, and with great pain.  She never gave up hope, and She always did what was right and necessary for Herself and Her Children.  That was the lesson I needed.  It was what prompted me to begin my healing process.

It wasn’t easy.  Healing is possibly the most excruciating process one can endure. And for me, in order to heal, I first had to learn how to feel again.

When I made the decision to reintegrate my emotions, the first thing that flooded back was all the pain that I’d wanted freedom from. Before I could learn joy, I had to face my despair, and I had to conquer it. Apollon and Dionysos were both with me, so I wasn’t alone, but really, a person is always alone when facing themselves, and all the things which make them who and what they are.  I faced myself, and I saw myself, and I slowly learned to love myself.  That was the necessary first step to feeling and giving love to my child.

All of this I owe to Leto, first and foremost.  She was the example.  She was the catalyst to change.  Her strength gave me the hope that maybe there was a better way than emotional numbness.  Today I can love and feel for many, not only myself and my children.  I can give Apollon and Alexander, and Someone else, the love They deserve.  I can love my Court, and my subjects.  I can even love my friends.  None of which would have been possible if I hadn’t tried to know Leto– if She hadn’t shown me the way.  For that, I will forever be grateful.  Leto gave me the most precious gift imaginable.  She gave me the right to call myself a mother.  And I thank Her.

#GratitudeProject2017

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 29 – Alexander

This is a difficult one to write, because I don’t think I’ve ever written about Alexander before, or about what He means to me.  He is the only truly historically corroborated deified human to receive my devotion. We have known one another for a very long time, but I honestly have no idea when He first approached me.

I just remember being young, and completely fascinated.  I think it was around the time I was trying to get Ares’ attention, but He (I now know Zeus encouraged this) sort of pushed Alexander at me, and said, “Here, You deal with that instead.”  Luckily, Alexander and I, especially my younger self, had quite a lot in common.

Mostly, our conversations consisted of me asking unending questions, and Him answering them with wit and flair.  To this day, He makes me laugh more than Anyone, and I always feel safest and most secure when He is near.

I’m sure this is a different dynamic than His other devotees have with Him.  That’s fine.  Our relationship is something quite different.  It isn’t important for me to disclose the details, but I didn’t want to get toward the end of my participation in this year’s Gratitude Project without letting Him know how much He means to me.

I would be so much less without Alexander.  He fills the gaps in my rule, and in my existence.  He is my Right Hand, the General of Generals, and He can never be replaced.  He has my sincerest devotion– my love— and I am grateful that Zeus told Him to wait for me.  But I am most grateful that He decided I was worth waiting for.

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Gratitude Project 2017, Day 28 – Nemesis

Today’s Gratitude Project post will be a pointed one.  I have had to spend the days of the hurricane and its aftermath in a situation that I loathe, among people who have harmed me, all for the sake of keeping my children dry, fed and warm.

To humble myself before the “generosity” of my husband’s mistress is in every conceivable way, unappealing.  To see the man whom I have loved for sixteen years be more of a partner to this woman than he ever was with me, turns my stomach.  To be reminded that I do not belong among my husband and his new family, is humiliating.  And to see how happy and perfect for each other they are, is the worst of all.

He is my husband, though now in name only, and he abused me throughout our entire relationship.  He used me for his sexual proclivities, up to and including rape perpetrated by him and others, and tortured me mentally and emotionally.  Still, I loved him.  I gave away the best years of my life to him, and I’ll never get those years back.  I was in every way his slave.  I started this blog in the midst of that abuse, and though my escape was realized while he was distracted by his affair, I will not thank this woman for stealing my husband, because he’s not the man he was three years ago.

He’s changed, by the grace of Apollon, and now that he has, she reaps the benefits of this change. Not me, who stood by him, and served him, and was obedient. Not me, who swore to love and honor him for all my days, and meant it.  Not me, who birthed his children, and almost died both times.  She gets the love, respect, affection and compassion that he told me he was incapable of giving anyone.  And I got abandoned.

So, while the two of them are living their charmed life, I get to witness just how superior she is to me, by seeing all the ways he treats her better than he treated me.  All because I couldn’t afford to evacuate myself and my children during a hurricane.  But they’re safe, and they’re dry, and they’re fed, and they’re warm.  There is no humiliation I would not endure to ensure their safety.  Trust me.  I’ve endured them all.

But I take solace in the knowing that everyone gets their just desserts, before the end.  Nemesis metes out what is deserved, to those who seem to get away with crimes and improprieties.  Marriage is sacred, after all, and I take my vows very seriously.  The two of them did me ill, and they did damage, and it continues to this day.  But they’ll get theirs. Of this, I am as sure as I am grateful for the power of Nemesis.  There will be justice.

#GratitudeProject2017

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 27 – Nyx

08/27/2017

Night falls in waves, deepening and deepening in gradual increments. Light recedes into the west, and the sky is left bereft of the heat that preceded.

Yet, we are thankful for this respite, for that sweltering sun has scorched us through to the bone, and the gentle breezes come at twilight.

And soon, so soon, even the twilight fades.  Lovely Nyx unfolds across the sky like a blanket dotted with stars.  She cloaks the world in stark night, and the creatures of darkness stir to wakefulness.

Nyx, Beloved Night, we welcome Your cooling touch, for we are weary from the struggles of hottest day.  Shrouded in darkness, we reflect upon the troubles that plagued us before.

Darkness has a way of clarifying what the day only obscures.  Let us see now with fresh eyes.  Let the rapturous spell of Night wrap itself around us, and let us be awoken, as the night creatures are awoken, to all the possibilities before us.

Lovely Nyx, She of the sparkling veil, may we praise You til the end of our days, and nights, upon this Earth.  For You, O subtle Goddess, are worthy of our praise and more.  Take with You across the sky, our deepest gratitude, deep as the darkness which You command.

O Nyx, we thank You.

#GratitudeProject2017