Tag Archives: July is Honor Loki Month

Living the Pain

Yesterday was a very intriguing day.  I think I’ve finally managed to pack up the depression that’s been lingering for the last few weeks.  It’s been ups and downs for me throughout July.  And even as more opportunities are thrust my way, I find my social life in shambles.  But then, I was never supposed to have a social life to begin with.

Attachments.  Apollon hates them.  Or rather, He hates for me to have them. So, now I don’t have any anymore, outside of what He deems appropriate. It’ll be an interesting puzzle, once put back together.  There are so many missing pieces now, it won’t even be the same image.  And rightly so.

Also, since July is nearing its end, Loki started asking for His payment.  Like last year, He threw out a few suggestions, most of which were not possible for me to implement, but in the end, did finally suggest something I could do.  The catch being that it was not entirely for Him.

You see, I’m under a lot of restrictions when it comes to Working with Gods outside the Pantheon, but for some reason, Goddesses don’t raise Apollon’s hackles like other Gods do.  So, I decided to hold the bowl for Sigyn yesterday morning.  And I did.  And it was in every way, equally unpleasant and thought-provoking.

I’d never done it before, since I fall squarely into the Hellenic camp.  Even though I’ve a history of Working with Loki, I’d never had the honor of meeting Sigyn before yesterday (I’m not counting the brief encounter I had with Her once, since introductions weren’t actually on Her agenda then). Not saying that I know Her, or anything, but She certainly cleared up a few of my questions about sacrifice.  Some questions I didn’t even realize I’d been asking.

Oh, and the smugness of Apollon as He presided over my offering to Them… Seriously, He was so happy.  And I, worrisome as I am, was convinced that He would be upset.  I can laugh now, but if you’d seen the look on His face when Loki brought up His first few suggestions, you’d understand why I thought my Prince would be mad.  He keeps surprising me with His reactions.

All told, I held the bowl for about twelve and a half minutes, while listening to Paganini.  I was surprised with how easy it was to enter into that resolved state which allowed me to successfully complete the task.  Maybe four minutes in, it started to become difficult, and after six minutes, I was really wishing I could just let my arms down for “a few seconds”.  I held fast, but it wasn’t easy.

Not long after that, my mind finally trailed off into the act, no longer fighting the pain, but living in it and taking it in.  I began to think of Loki, and the amount of gratitude He had/has for Sigyn, because She was there for Him then.  And I thought of the love She holds in Her heart for Him, and then I started to feel a little teary, even if I couldn’t actually shed tears at the time. The harder it became to hold the bowl, the more resolved I was to continue, to give the offering, for whatever it might be worth to Them.

Eight minutes in maybe, my mind drifted off again, this time toward Apollon, as He watched from above.  He was calm, and so very sure of Himself, and sure of me.  I am not going to attempt to describe the feeling of His Love in words, which are so inadequate.

When that brief moment passed, I was returned to the pain, and the ordeal shared by Loki and His Wife, with the thought of: “Have I sacrificed enough for Apollon?”

My answer being, “No.  Of course not.  There can never be enough sacrifice for my Lord.  I can never give enough to Him to prove that I deserve His Love, or His affection.  I will never have enough to give, because what do I give to one Who already has everything, including my heart?”

He said nothing.  It must have been the look in His eyes which convinced me, though, because I suddenly felt that I no longer needed to prove anything. After the breakthrough of a few days ago, and after the words were spoken and the truth was told, the way was set into motion.  With the hindrances removed, all that’s left now are distractions.  So, my next sacrifice will be to purge my life of these distractions.

Ten minutes into the offering, my arms were burning for relief, and I had a very human thought, in that I was glad that when it was over, I would not have to return to the cave to do it all again, and again, and again.  It was a fleetingly naughty thought, and I felt very contrite for having entertained it.

Soon, I began to wonder, “If it were Apollon, could I, would I be there for Him? And I was reminded of the past.  I have been there for Him, and I will always be there for Him.  I fear my Lord, yes, but I do not fear that He is Himself.  He has taken me as I am, and so I take Him as He is, imperfections and all.  And, the thought of Him in pain, any kind of pain, makes my stomach ache.

So, as I held the bowl for the eleventh minute, Sigyn reminded me that there will always be obstacles, and pain and hard times for both of us, when I felt a few small stings on my hands and forearms.  There was only water in my bowl, but at that moment it was More than water.  Then, a thought that was mine, and yet also not mine, came into my head and heart…

“If I feel this pain, He will not feel it.  Whatever I can feel for Him, I’ll do it gladly, so that He may not.”

I took a deep breath then, exhaling slowly for the last twenty or so seconds of music.  I lowered my arms, hurrying out back to pour out the water, and as I did, it splashed back upon my feet.  Sigyn then explained to me, that no matter what kindness I provide, or what responsibilities I take up, there could (and probably will) always be a splash-back, or some other undefined reaction. Yet, must we endure, those who are called wife.

When I returned to sit in front of Their lit candles, Loki and Sigyn were so serene together.  I meditated with Them for about ten to fifteen more minutes, but had to give my farewells afterward, because Apollon was staring really intensely, which was mightily distracting.

So, I have a lot to ponder, and a lot to take in.  This post was my thank you to Sigyn, and also a part of Loki’s payment for July.  Hail Loki, and hail His Victorious Wife!

Black Guitar

And this song describes perfectly my relationship with Apollon.  Perfectly.  It’s a little bit scary how perfectly.  I post this one a bit reluctantly, as it’s kind of a personal song between the two of us.  But sharing it pleases Him.

It also pleases Loki for me to share a tiny, intimate snippet of myself like this. And since it’s July, I must abide. He seems to enjoy pushing my boundaries, but it’s not been unpleasant, so far. He’s been very encouraging of my continued harmony with Apollon. This is a much desired change from the previous year’s dynamic, and I really can’t say I’m having any problems. I hope it stays that way, naturally, but I’m not naive enough to think He won’t shake things up later, whenever He decides to.

So long as your mind falls for life then life will fall for you
And I will love you for another life and another you
But as long as you will shadow me then I won’t bear the fruits
That will want to make me love you another night and another you

Black guitar gave me a song
The role of your own demise awash my tears
If the sun may blind you
I find you the moon
No one shadows
The retina of your heart

So long as your eyes follow mine then mine will fall on you
And I will blind you for another night and another moon
But as long as you will battle me then I will stand accused
With a mind that will make you wonder is there a sun or is there a moon?

Black guitar gave me a voice
The famous last words all I hate is here
Moving onto urgent matters
In the end I didn’t die
In the end I didn’t die
No one shadows
The retina of your heart
No one shadows
The retina of your heart

Severance

Slight Trigger Warning:  It’s not bad at all, really, just thought I’d give the warning due to the discussion of sexual trauma.  This is the July post, the one I’ve been putting off all month, the only one I didn’t want to write, the only one Loki insisted that I had to write.  So, here it is…

~

Severance

I close my eyes in the dark, seeing only the flash of candlelight through my eyelids.  I touch my finger to the Runes in my lap, hearing Your Voice all the while:

“Sever the ties binding you to the past.  Break the chains which hold you hostage, and they will have no power over you.”

I know very well the “they” You speak of.  They are the men who have hurt me, all those who have left their mark upon me by stealing away my pride and self-compassion.  Can anyone know how much a raped woman hates herself? How her beauty, her skin, her very flesh, becomes a betrayal of her truest self? Can anyone know how much she wants to die?

My thoughts descend into that madness, once again, the reviled emotions. But, You know.  You, above all others know, and that is why You have come.

“Do it!”  You command.  Shaking, I place the first Rune upon the diagram I have drawn out for You.  A spiraling web of unfortunate events, descending into my core, far back, deep into the past.  There, in the center… Kenaz, the torchlight, the fire of my soul.  I place the Rune there, and I am filled with the drive to continue for the first time since we began this dance of destruction.

“Severance,” I whisper to myself, and You nod.  “Severance,” I whisper once more, while placing the next Rune upon the web… and the next… and the next… again and again, together with the sound of severance on my lips, until the web gleams orange from the candlelight flickering upon bright carnelian.

Finally, I have marked the path that shall take me back to the lost, abandoned pieces of my soul, so I may sever them from the grasp of those wretched memories, and You kiss my cheek, smiling in that playfully dangerous way.

“There are no chains, but those we place upon ourselves,” You state, as sure as ever.

The tears come then, flowing like white water, crashing upon the rocks of my rage, as I again relive the trauma… the pain.  Severance.  No longer shall the unworthy claim any part of me.  And no longer will I give them any power.

I close my eyes, letting the tears soak the diagram beneath my clenching fists. This is not how it was supposed to be.  Tears were never in the plan… not in my plan, at least.  But, as I peel back my strained eyelids, carrying both my power and my pain, I am met by Your steady gaze, and the feel of Your hands grasping mine.

“Do… It…”

So, I do… and I feel myself shatter.  The sensation is familiar, one which I have experienced many times, and instinctually, I begin to pull the broken pieces back together.  From all around, they come.  From way down deep in my core, they come.  All the broken, pretty pieces come.  But, trailing behind them still are the traumas, which even now, desperately cling to the broken pieces.

“Severance!” You shout into my ear, and I am again renewed with purpose.

My arms raise; one to embrace the pretty pieces, the other to slice away the web binding them.  And with sharp, red talons, I sever them all.  When it is done, I am whole once more, basking in the glory of my own sacredness, and I look toward You to see Your self-satisfied smirk…

~

Oh, Fearless One, I thank You, for teaching me not to fear what needs to be done.  All hail Loki Laufeysson, from this day until Ragnarok comes, and forever after!

Truth Is the Catalyst

You know, I’m really starting to appreciate the dynamic between the three of us now.  I can’t really remain in the dark about anything, anymore.  Whatever is stagnant in my life is immediately brought to light, then set on fire. Whatever holds me back, is culled away.

Apollon and Loki are both very big on the truth.  The truth of things the way they are, as opposed to how I wanted them to be.  The truth of my heart, as opposed to what I’d once believed.  They detest the mincing of words, and the sugarcoating of them, too.  And neither do They engage in such pointless tactics.  Our Relationship begins and ends with the truth, while truth itself is the catalyst to our love.

However, there is also that sense of meticulousness that characterizes our negotiation process.  It is in this, the everyday tending of the Relationship, that we learn and experience the trust needed to help support it.  In some ways (and maybe this is because my Lady Aphrodite is such an important figure in my home) I’d liken our Relationship to a rose plant.  Always beautiful, always fragrant and alluring, but prickly, and is therefore in need of careful handling. For that matter, I’d even say that’s a fair way of describing each of us as individuals… but perhaps that’s a subject for another post.  <3

This year has been the experience of a lifetime, and it’s not even over yet.  I’m not usually this excited about so many major life changes happening in so short a time, but I can say now that all the anxiety I had at the start of this year has been transformed into a vision, and a goal.  And I’m throwing my whole self into it, from now until it is achieved, because if it weren’t for both of Them, I’d have never fully understood or embraced the calling.

I often can not believe how fortunate I am to have these two amazing gods in my life, both of Whom I’ve made important promises to.  I’ve promised to accept the abundance (sounds familiar, right?) of love They willingly share with me, and I promised not to hide behind fake smiles when I’m really hurting, or angry inside.  In short: love Them, and tell Them the truth.  Be open, and share my whole self with these gods Who once warred for my heart and soul. These gods Who, ultimately, made peace for my benefit, as well as Their own. For, you mustn’t think for a second that this isn’t a completely mutual arrangement.  Everybody involved is putting in the required time/effort to receive much desired returns.  It’s a win, win, win situation, to be sure, and it all started with the truth.

Lesson #2: Don’t Fear Your Beauty

Warning:  Some people may find this to be a rather vacuous post.  *shrugs*

~

For a while now, I’ve donned the veil.  It wasn’t immediately out of religious obligation, but rather out of practicality.  After I began covering, however, I noticed the changes in attitude of those I interacted with, and was extremely pleased to see that I was not being looked over quite so much by random, strange men.  It kind of made me mad to have to cover myself just to receive a modicum of respect, though, since I’ve never been an outwardly flashy person.

I don’t wear make-up most of the time, and I have a very subdued sense of style (if you want to call it that).  I do not enjoy having my bits hanging out all over the place, and I never have. Therefore, I dress modestly, plainly even, in a way that is comfortable for me, and in which I feel safe, and secure in my own power and femininity.  Which has been wonderful, but as you all know, things have changed around here, and I found out pretty quickly that Loki doesn’t like plain.

The first thing He asked of me, before anything else, was for me to beautify myself for Him, in some small way.  I hesitated for a good long while, going back and forth with Apollon about what would be too much, and whether or not I should do it at all.  I was apprehensive, and not just because of my Lord’s opinion.

I seem to attract the worst kind of attention, so the prospect of changing even the slightest thing about my carefully crafted appearance was terribly stressing.  Obviously, fancy hair-styles were out of the question, as were a number of other things.  But, at the end, right when I thought I’d ask Him to stop throwing out suggestions, He smiled and said:

“You could paint your nails red, for me…”

I was stunned by the simplicity of it, for it was perfect, and in a very small, only slightly noticeable way.  Only my human husband questioned the new penchant for color.  He thinks it’s a waste of time, since the paint gets chipped off during the domestic work.  I did too, at first, especially since re-applying the polish every two to three days is tedious and time consuming. But wasn’t that the whole point?  To take the time to make myself look nicer, even if all it did was make me and my gods happy?

Indeed.  That was the whole point.  And, as it turns out, my Lord Apollon has also become quite fond of the ritual, as He has always loved the color red… and me in it.  ‘Twas the first mutual agreement They ever had with one another, in regards to me, and it’s been all uphill from there.  Once They realized They could agree on something

For instance, I’ve begun rearranging my closets, pulling out clothes that I haven’t worn in a long time.  Even a few things which survived the fire all those years ago.  Things that I wore back when Loki and I first met.

I didn’t even realize I still had most of that stuff.  Some of it is truly too outrageous to be worn now, but most of the clothes are just what I needed to spice things up a bit.  It’s been fun getting reacquainted with the part of me that loves adornment and self-decoration.  It’s also been fun finding beautiful, new and colorful (often patterned) ways to cover, while still maintaining my modest ideals.  And I have a very special Trickster to thank for it.  :)