Tag Archives: love

The Blooming

I have let Your Love bloom in my heart, O Lord,
And I am not at peace.

Longing for You has overtaken my senses;
My arms reach for skies that shall not descend.

Joy is a memory long lost in this sea of injustice,
For You abound in this world,
Yet am I left stunned and silent in Your presence.

Apollon, O Lord, be kind and take pity on me.

In my faith and devotion, I have followed after You,
In my love and care, shall I hold the spark You have left me;

It is Your Love, and it blooms in my heart,
Watered by Your every emanation.

I am wanton in my desire, for You are Radiant,
And Your warmth eases my suffering, O Lord.

© Columbine  7/22/2018

Gratitude Project 2017, Day 30 – Leto

Leto has taught me many things.  So many things about motherhood and the nature of true love, especially.  How to love fiercely, how to protect, how to make decisions based solely on the welfare of my children.  She taught me how to truly care about others, because for a very long time in my life, all I cared about was protecting myself.

You see, when you grow up without anyone to look out for you, to really look out for you, you’ll quickly realize that all you have is yourself.  And when you only have yourself, you have no reason to love anyone.  Love is the only thing worth living for, and I didn’t love anyone or anything until my first child was born.

Learning to love and to give was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When my daughter was young, my depression was at its worst.  I had long since switched myself off emotionally.  I manipulated my psyche so I wouldn’t feel.  It was the pain that I wanted to avoid, but I inadvertantly took away all potential for joy, as well.  And when you can’t feel joy, you can’t express joy, or love, to a child.  Once I realized this, I realized I would only be perpetuating the pattern that drove me to abandon my feelings to begin with.  I would be irreversibly harming my child, and I couldn’t allow that. I had to change the pattern.

At that time I was just starting to know Apollon, and part of learning about Him meant learning about His Mother.  So I read Her lore. Through reading, I watched Her traverse the world in search of safety for Her Children, and I watched Her bring Them into the world with ease, and with great pain.  She never gave up hope, and She always did what was right and necessary for Herself and Her Children.  That was the lesson I needed.  It was what prompted me to begin my healing process.

It wasn’t easy.  Healing is possibly the most excruciating process one can endure. And for me, in order to heal, I first had to learn how to feel again.

When I made the decision to reintegrate my emotions, the first thing that flooded back was all the pain that I’d wanted freedom from. Before I could learn joy, I had to face my despair, and I had to conquer it. Apollon and Dionysos were both with me, so I wasn’t alone, but really, a person is always alone when facing themselves, and all the things which make them who and what they are.  I faced myself, and I saw myself, and I slowly learned to love myself.  That was the necessary first step to feeling and giving love to my child.

All of this I owe to Leto, first and foremost.  She was the example.  She was the catalyst to change.  Her strength gave me the hope that maybe there was a better way than emotional numbness.  Today I can love and feel for many, not only myself and my children.  I can give Apollon and Alexander, and Someone else, the love They deserve.  I can love my Court, and my subjects.  I can even love my friends.  None of which would have been possible if I hadn’t tried to know Leto– if She hadn’t shown me the way.  For that, I will forever be grateful.  Leto gave me the most precious gift imaginable.  She gave me the right to call myself a mother.  And I thank Her.


Gratitude Project 2017, Day 4 – Aphrodite

Aphrodite.  Where do I begin?  I’ve always had a pull toward Her, some kind of force that ensured I would sit at Her feet as a child and young woman, absorbing all the Divine grace that my Lady had to offer me.  I didn’t understand it back then, or have the faintest idea what was happening, but She was there.  She was always there.

When I look back on those years, I clearly see myself drowning in Her power, in Her presence.  It was more blessing than curse, but it had its unsavory moments. To be touched by Aphrodite means that you will be seen, and there were times when I didn’t want to be seen.  Truly, I believe She was my first teacher in the ways of Queenship.

A Queen is a focal point of attention, bad and good.  I had to learn early how to navigate the winding roads of p/People’s sight and interest, and it was difficult.  I also had to learn when to use a prod when a smile wouldn’t get things done. That was more difficult, but She taught me.  In Her guise as Areia, She taught me.

Aphrodite is so much more than society will have you believe.  Those who worship Her know this, but it seems to surprise those who do not.  A War Goddess in Her own right, She knows the games people play with their hearts and the hearts of others, all too well.  She knows what passions lead soldiers to defend each other to the death.  She is All Love, and All Grace, and I am grateful.

I am grateful for Aphrodite, grateful for Her lessons, and for Her example.  I am grateful for Her subtleties, and for Her extremes.  I am grateful for the ways in which She shaped my psyche, and the ways She shaped my soul.  I am a better woman for Apollon because of Her, a better Queen for my people, and I am a better human for this world because of Her, too.


What’s it like to be Apollon’s?

It’s like kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver, and you are the pottery, of course.  There are lots of ways you could be kept, also.  But when the time comes and He decides to take you down from the shelf you were placed upon, pristine and untested, you will learn of the range of treatment you may receive at His hand.

Sometimes, He likes simply to fill His vessels and to see them glow with His light as they sit upon that shelf.  Sometimes, He prefers to use His vessels like a favorite teapot, constantly filling, heating and pouring its contents out over the world.  And yet sometimes, through distraction or mischief, He drops His vessels, leaving them cracked, broken or even shattered.

When this occurs, we can easily blame Him, or we can blame ourselves for not being some kind of “enough” to prevent it.  But really?  Really?  Is a/Anyone really to blame?  I think there are parts of His personality that humans do not like, or desire to confront.  But they are still parts of Him, and these parts can be seen and felt as uncaring, unemotional, distant or calculating.  I can understand this point of view, since I did share it for a long time.  But now, after having experienced that dropping and shattering more than once in His care, I can see Him for what He is in these times.

Apollon the Genius, Apollon the Eccentric, Apollon the Perfectionist, whose every movement is a calculated step in His kosmic dance.  Even flats and sharps have their place in the score that He composes.  So, if He drops us, He does it for a reason.  And sometimes that reason is just because He wants to repair a broken vessel, before seeing it shine anew.

He will then meticulously place each broken shard back into it’s rightful order, adding the gold lacquer to fill in any open spaces.  After the process is complete, what He holds in His hands is in many ways far superior, and far more valuable to Him than what He started with.  The once unbroken-then-broken pot has become a symbol of His love and devotion, and also of the art with which He crafts His masterpieces.  Indeed, we are each a masterpiece of His making, but once we’ve reached this point, there could very well come a time when Apollon is not the only one admiring His many masterpieces.

These are very hard times for those who are, or have been His.  The love that He shows and uses to repair or remake those who are His, reveals us in all our unique beauty to the outside world, and those Others who also inhabit the world.  Sometimes, even just sitting upon that shelf, we attract Their attention.

And when it happens, we think we’ll just fall again into pieces.  But we don’t. We have been remade, after all, and are stronger now than we ever have been before.  This strength is evident in the gold joining our previously separated parts.  It is evident in the light and glory that Apollon has left inside us.  So, even if the time comes when He decides to relinquish possession of one of His many fine gold-lacquered pots, we can at least know that a part of Him will always be present with us.

A part of Him– a very loving and attentive part of Him– will always be there to remind us of the strength which fortifies us, and allows us to continue moving forward in life, and to continue being useful to Whomever we may encounter, or may now be tied to.  It isn’t always easy, being Apollon’s. Sometimes, it’s downright terrifying, because one must always face reality with Him.  And one reality is, that once touched by Him, we’ll always be beautiful, but there is no guarantee that we will always be His.  So, cherish the moments that He spends with you, never take them for granted, and please, please love Him, even as He places you upon a shelf, or into the hands of Another.

Blessed are the Mothers and Fathers

[Dedicated to my own mother, long deceased, on this, the Nineteenth of November, the day of her birth into this world.]


Blessed are the sustainers of life, the diligent ones whose direct care reflects the health of the family.  Blessed are those whose hands ache from pulling garden weeds; from planting and harvesting the goods of the Earth.

Blessed are those who care gently for the fair folk, leaving valuables in exchange for the riches provided.  Blessed are they whose sacred spaces flow with the magic of the unseen.

Blessed are the caregivers, preparing meals over long hours, standing and chopping and stirring.  Blessed are the ones whose work is rewarded in the fullness of bellies, and quiet contentment.

Blessed are those who tend the warmth of the familial hearth; those whose love and commitment are like the arms of the Gods Themselves, cradling all within the grace of prosperity.

Blessed are the housekeepers, whose skill in the art of cleanliness does stave off illness and depression.  Blessed are the patient ones, who with compassion, nurse the unwell back into gloried health.

Blessed are those who plan for all manner of circumstance, from births to deaths, and the many paths in-between.  Blessed are the event planners and chauffeurs, whose work entails long hours and is never complete.

Blessed are the disciplinarians, whose words, though heavy, are weighed down only by the abundance of love they hold.  Blessed are the kindhearted ones, never failing to teach the hardest lessons.

Blessed are those who recognize the awful responsibility of the home; those who are well tuned to the trials and exasperations, yet also to the joys and triumphs.  Blessed are the weavers of familial cohesion.

Blessed are the willing ones, whose commitment to the path of parenting can never be outdone.  Blessed are the mothers and the fathers, for they are the driving force of success, and the arms within which the family rests.


Hail to the mothers, to the fathers, and to caregivers of all kinds.  May the Gods keep and bless you throughout all the days of your lives.

Blessed Be.