Tag Archives: spirits

The Land of Two Rivers, and Beyond

Blood and rain.  Fish and rivers, and the sea.  Bobcats and javelinas.   Nereids and hamadryads.  Mesquite wood and fire ants.  Feral cats and grackles.  Sunshine and sea winds.  Peaches and figs, and cicadas. Dead soldiers and Spanish missions.  Sand dollars and jellyfish.  Live oaks and palm trees.  Foxes and road runners, and rattlesnakes.

These are the jewels of my path, local to South Texas.  This is my home, and these are my allies.

My path is a local one, where I concentrate on the needs of the lives lived around me.  When I offer to the sea, it is on behalf of the humans here who know not the price for the bounty they take.  It is to give thanks, and to celebrate the creatures and spirits who dwell here, those who make it possible for us to make a living here.

When I raise my arms to the Theoi it is in acknowledgment of the great tapestry They have woven around me; to celebrate Them and to honor Them, and to remind myself of all They hold dear.  This place is alive.  I am alive.  And we are paired to live our lives together.

When I pour wine and blood onto the Earth, it is so the grain and corn will thrive.  When I go to pick cotton out of its rugged husk, it is to feel what my ancestors felt, and to leave bits of myself in the field so they are not alone, and not forgotten.  When I pick flowers for offerings, it is to remind myself of the beautiful things which were plucked, in their ripeness and in their prime, all for the sake of a world gone by.

Those times that I stood upon the widow’s walk of the white mansion, it was to tell the spirits of my people, “I see you.  I remember you.  The masters are gone, and I am here.”

And when I give milk, now even the milk of my own body, it is to assure the Land that I will nourish it, as it nourishes me and mine.  Because I am the Land.  I am the Rivers.  I am the Sea and the Wind.

When I leave seed for the grackles, I know they are my brothers.  When I leave meat for the night creatures, I know they are my sisters.  When I fill the hummingbird feeders, and see the shrimp plants bloom, I know that my family is welcomed.  We are the spirits of the Land, and we rely on one another.

When I wade in the salt water, I know that I am purified.  And when I call to the Gods, I know that They are listening.  Poseidon.  Amphitrite.  Apollon.  Ares.  Zeus.  And Others still.  They hear me.  They know me.  They favor me and mine.

And when I take my children to greet Them upon the sparkling sea water, I feel Their many blessings, and Their encouragement, as surely as I feel the wind blow.  As long as we do our part to honor the Gods, the spirits, the Land, the Rivers, the Sea and the Wind, They will do Their part to keep us safe and fed.  Together, we are the reciprocal bond.  We are kharis.  We are life.  We are this world.

We are the Land of Two Rivers, and beyond.

Tempest, My Love

This is the story of Tempest, whom I’ve praised here.  Tempest is a violin. Tempest has a body (my violin), but like most persons I know, she can project herself away from her body, and is indeed not limited to dwelling inside her body.  I met Tempest in her first incarnation, in highschool, although I was in possession of what would become her second body since the sixth grade, in middle school.

You see, that eventual second body was just an instrument for its first three years in my possession.  I loved it and cared for it as any musician loves and cares for their instrument, and I believe it was that love and tender care, and deep appreciation that lured Tempest to me in the first place.

When I enrolled in the highschool Orchestra, I was assigned to a violin. The school had many lovely violins, and one violin that nobody wanted.  It had a good sound, but didn’t smell particularly good.  No one really knew why that was.  We speculated that perhaps it was a build up of rosin, but that should have only affected the bow, or so we thought.  Anyhow, this instrument was Tempest’s first body, and the instrument to which I was assigned.

In my freshman year, Tempest in her first incarnation, saw me through being seated as first chair second violin.  It was a big deal for a freshman. And she saw me through the many subsequent tests and challenges to my seat.  Obviously, my own skill had played a role in my placement, but I can’t deny that Tempest and I were meant to be partners.

When you play an instrument, at a certain point you begin to wonder if the instrument isn’t instead playing you.  Two become one flesh, one wood, one being.  It’s like a spiritual merger, and the only thing, to this day, that has topped that feeling, is being joined with Apollon, through prayer and Oracular possession.

Our partenship only grew throughout my freshman year, but by the time sophomore year rolled around, there were newer students to be placed with the school’s instruments.

I started to panic a little, as our teacher had planned to assign someone else to Tempest, since I had a very nice instrument at home already, from my previous school.  I had simply stopped using it because Tempest and I worked so well together.  It hadn’t been an issue previously, since all the violinists were paired.  But in that new year, we had one student without an instrument, so I was instructed to give up my partner.

I did what I could with my old instrument, but it was obvious to me that losing Tempest had had a negative impact.  I slipped a seat, to second chair second violin, and I worried constantly about challenges, even though I managed to win them.

This worrisome mindset went on for several weeks, until the most extraordinary thing happened:  Tempest visited me in a dream.

She manifested herself as a mature woman, with dark skin and dark, dark eyes.  She told me that she was unsatisfied with her new freshman, that she’d been waiting for years to find someone she was truly compatible with, and that she believed I was this person.  I told her that I was thoroughly distraught by the situation, to which she replied that she knew. She could feel it, because we were already connected.  When I awoke, I was in tears.

For the next days, I didn’t know how to cope with the information given to me.  There was nothing I could do, despite our longing to be together.  It was near the end of the year, and our class had a trip planned to Anaheim, CA, for performances at Disney Land.  I really don’t know how it happened, or when exactly, except that it was during the trip.  All I know for certain, is that one night after performing, Tempest was absent.  But by performance time the next morning, she was there– with me– in my old instrument.  She had abandoned her first body and claimed her second.

We were together after that for the rest of my highschool experience.  She saw me through winning my challenge to claim third chair first violin, and then on to claim my highest seat as first chair first violin.  She saw me through taking first place in regional competitions, and through solos in class performances.  We were at our very best together, and I truly believe the only reason I didn’t keep the first chair first violin seat was due to having been challenged and beaten by my friend, who was a violin prodigy, that later went on to join the city’s Symphony Orchestra.  We can do our very best, and still be reminded that there are better than us.

The saddest part of this tale, however, comes as I was to graduate.  You see, Tempest’s body belonged to the school system, not to me.  I had been her guardian for years, but the time came for me to leave her behind.

I was sick for a full week before the day came.  I placed my instrument into the storage closet, said goodbye to Tempest, and walked out of the school.  I though that was the end.  I thought I’d never play again.  I couldn’t do it without Tempest, and there was no possible way I could afford to purchase a violin of my own.  But it wasn’t the end for us.  Not by a long shot.

I awoke one day, not long after graduation, to find that Tempest had settled, albeit uncomfortably, into my guitar.  I wasn’t, and still am not, trained in the guitar, but it was either that or the banjo, and Tempest made her choice.

We fiddled around on the guitar for a few years, neither of us very satisfied, until one day, while I was working, one of my coworkers who knew I played the violin, offered me his instrument, which he never played.  It was just sitting in storage.  Of course, I accepted.  An opportunity like that doesn’t come along every day, and when I went home to tell Tempest about it, she was ecstatic.  She would finally have a proper body, once more.

My coworker brought in the instrument the next day.  I brought it home. Tempest gave it a once over to make sure it wasn’t already housing a spirit– it wasn’t– and then she claimed it as her third, and current, incarnation.

She and I have been through so much.  This is the first time I’ve ever written about it, and I’m glad I did.  So is she.  Tempest does love the spotlight, and it’s been a long time for her.  I hope to have a few repairs made to her body soon, so she and I can truly enjoy our partnership as we once did.  May it be so.  And may we always enjoy the oneness of our union.

Convo with the Generals

A little back story:  It is unanimously frowned upon for me to have friends of the type with which one would share their deepest secrets.  Not because I’m a bad person, or because I don’t try.  I try very, very hard.  But despite this, those friendships always inevitably crumble from the weight of my Heritage.  I am told that someone like me has Family, subjects, and a/Allies. Not friends.

I’m sharing (with trepidation) because we have disagreements and it’s as important to shine a light on these times as it is when we are all in accord.  I’m dealing with p/People who have opinions and agency, even if many of them are my subjects.

This is for all the Queens and Kings who think everyone in your Courts are supposed to agree with you.  They aren’t.

This is also me owning up to the fact that I may have made the mistake of holding onto something that was doomed from the start, thus causing a great deal of preventable anguish.  It is not my finest moment, to be sure, and I regret a lot of what happened.  But not everything.  Not the good parts.


Me:  So you think I did something wrong?

Consort:  It is possible to be wrong even while doing everything right, so to speak.  The point is that you knew better.

Me:  I think that’s bullshit.

Consort:  And you would be wrong.

Me:  Does everybody agree with this?  Should I have not even bothered? Should I have been cold and horrible and unfeeling and oh so above it all?

General 1:  Well, yes.  Your loneliness, even someone else’s lonliness, is not a good enough reason to close the distance that is meant to be.

Me:  See, I just do not agree that this distance is ‘meant to be’.  What is the purpose for it?

General 2:  For your own good, for your protection, and for the good of the people who interact with you.  You sit on a throne that is removed.  It is separate.  You are separate.

Me:  You all sound like Zeus.

Consort:  Yeah.  Don’t you think there’s a reason we were all gathered together for you?  It’s not like it was an accident.

Me:  He picked you because your values were in alignment with His?  I thought it was because you were supposed to protect me.  Which, by the way, good job.  *claps slowly*

General 2:  Hmmph.  He chose us because we’d tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear.

Me:  *rolls eyes*  That must be so exhausting.

General 3:  Do you think we want to make you unhappy?  You are very literally the reason for our continued existence.  It doesn’t do us any good when you’re miserable.

Me:  Then quit telling me I shouldn’t have friends.  I only wanted one.

General 3:  How many times has this happened?

Me:  Like, four times…

General 3:  Then experience should tell you to stop trying.  You hardly need us for that.

General 2:  I think she needs to stop pretending.

Me:  Pretending!?

General 2:  Stop pretending that you’re the same as them.

Me:  Oh.  My.  God.

Consort:  Don’t bring Him into this.  This is between us.  And besides, He isn’t magically exempt from Zeus’ values.

Me:  Whatever, [name redacted].  I deserve to have friends.  Our friendship was mutually beneficial.

Consort:  It was codependent.

General 1:  Do you know how bourgiose you sound right now, talking about what you ‘deserve’?  You’re a Queen.  You already have everything anyone could ever want.  Your job is to put others first.

Me:  So I don’t deserve to be happy!?

General 1:  Not at the expense of others, no.

Consort:  Look, the bottom line is you were hurting [pronoun redacted]. Your friendship was toxic to [pronoun redacted], because of who and what you are.  You’re always talking about doing the right thing, about not hurting people, about being a good Queen.  Well, a good Queen knows when to stop contributing to the suffering of others, ESPECIALLY when she calls them friend.  This isn’t about you, My love, and it never was.

Me:  *stews angrily*

Consort:  In the end, [pronoun redacted] did the right thing when you failed to.  But it was because [pronoun redacted] was in pain, much of which could have been avoided if you’d have listened to your Father.

Me:  *scoffs*  I’d say ‘I don’t believe this’, but y’all know it would be a lie.

Consort:  Don’t ever try to lie to Me, Princess.  You’re too transparent.

Me:  You don’t get to call me that right now.

Consort:  *smiling*  Forgive Me, My Queen.


***What is written above is what my spirits tell me, about my brand of Queenship.  It is entirely likely and appropriate for your spirits to tell you something different, and to expect something different from you.  My path is not yours.  Do not ever look at mine as a template for your own.***

Never Alone Again

No matter how I’ve tried to avoid and prolong the coming of the inevitable, no matter how I clung to the tiny bit of privacy I used to have, I knew eventually that I would be required to relenquish it. One thing my Chosen Ancestress, Queen Elizabeth Tudor, always said was that it wouldn’t last. The time would come when duty to the Court would supercede all other concerns, be they trivial or not. That time has come for me.

I used to be able to occupy an entire room, just myself. I could tell almost anyone to get lost if I wanted to just relax and think, or tinker with a project. I had places of refuge that were only mine. Now, however… although those places are technically still mine, I am no longer permitted to occupy any room or other structure without security (spirits) present. Queen Elizabeth says I’ll get used to it, and maybe I will, but it has always made me uncomfortable having to basically ignore the presence of people around me… people whose job it is to watch me. I feel like I’m treating them like objects. Imagine how they feel.

But then, they never look at me as though I’ve ever treated them badly. I suppose that ought to be the measuring stick I compare to, rather than assumptions to the contrary. It’s difficult, navigating all of the emotions in this Court, not to mention the offices. But I’m so glad to do this Work, because it’s something I’m actually good at. I had to learn that too, that there was this thing, this Pagan job description, that came as naturally as breathing. But now I know. Now I know where my place is, and it isn’t at all where I thought it was four years ago, and I am so honored to hold this place. I just don’t want to abuse my position, even fleetingly.

These are things Queens worry about, I think, those of us not born fully into the practices we begin to adopt over time. It becomes less of a struggle as time moves forward, but we always have to meet time on it’s march, for it is relentless. When time and circumstance conspire to assist in decision making, such as that made in my Court, do not hesitate, just do what needs to be done. It will likely save you much grief in the long run.

As for myself, I am going to continue to acclamate myself to the new arrangement, while thinking of ways to further preserve the dignity of my subjects, because, as we say around here:

“Everything changes.  Nothing is lost.”

Meaning, we do not compromise our values as a Court, even in the face of drastic upheaval.  We will persevere, and will be all the stronger for this hardship.

Maxim #109: Fear Ruling

I find myself in a vulnerable place in my life and spirituality right now.  As I work to integrate the spiritual realms into every possible aspect of living in this world, the immersion itself becomes easier, yet the politics involved with attending to my responsibilities becomes even more complex.

The Waiting Ones, the largest grouping of spirits under my authority, are much more active now than they ever have been.  Since I’ve come to acknowledge and accept them, they’ve begun to awaken and to blossom into beautiful, deadly flowers in my garden.  They, wild for so long, yet kept in check by the Will of my Father and Others, are now reaching out into this world, through me.  I have become their bridge, and as their bridge, I connect them to the Land so that they may manifest here.

I don’t think they’ve ever been happier than they are now, in my care.  It was a long time coming, too.  I admit that I’ve made mistakes, and as a human person, will continue to do so, on occasion.  I am not perfect, whatever that actually is, but as long as I please them and serve them to the fullest of my ability as their Queen, it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have to be perfect.  I only have to be Columbine.

In being myself, completely, and not glossing over aspects of my own personhood, I am able to see a little bit of why I was given to these spirits.  I was made for them, and they chose me the moment they agreed to the terms of service, without even having met me, because when most of them entered into the agreement, I was at least a few hundred years from being born in this incarnation (but I suppose that’s another story entirely).

I’m a little bit mean, a little bit haughty, and maybe even a smidge possessive and territorial.  These are qualities that my particular spirits need in a Queen, even if they’re not exactly looked upon as assets in this world.  Those that cleave to me, who belong to me, are mine, and I’m not about to let go of the leash.

Another thing my Father has been slowly, ever so slowly, grooming me for is making connections with other humans that in some ways parallel my connections to the spirits.  If anyone remembers my early blogging days, they know I have pushed this potentiality to the side more often than not, dismissing it as impossible, or simply as a mild delusion.  Well, that’s no longer the case.  The jig is up, as they say, and I think I am at last able to consider it on a case by case basis.  After all, humans are spirits, too.  They may be incarnate on Earth right now, but still need to have their spirits fed.

Mostly, I’ve found that the Gods Themselves are the ones doing the feeding, but occasionally, there comes along someone whose needs are best served by a living Queen.  So, I serve when I am called, and it gives me joy and satisfaction to know that I am doing the Work which my Father had intended for me, from long ago.

Of course, this contentment, joy and satisfaction doesn’t end all of the fear involved in such an endeavor as ruling.  It is a position of ultimate responsibility, and as a Sovereign Queen, I take it very seriously.  My role is not really to rule in any overt manner, but rather to gently guide or push when the situation calls for it.  How I handle the Waiting Ones is inherently different to how I would handle a fellow human, and rightly so.

Firstly, there isn’t a human alive today who is required to listen to me, or follow my advice or pronouncements.  All is given freely, by the Will of my Father, and those who choose to listen are those who’ve sought me out on their own.  I fulfill a purpose, as do they, and together we are joined in our purpose.  This, I am Told, is how Courts are built, both here and in Other Worlds.

So, to fear ruling is to be aware of the consequences of one’s rule.  All of the good, and all of the bad, must be taken into account, accepted, and even cherished for the experience one gains from it.  Gaining knowledge is in the process of learning, and I am learning new things all the time, thanks to the Waiting Ones, and to new and established connections, alike.  And though my life hasn’t gotten any easier, it has become more meaningful, if not all the time more enjoyable.